Why I love Bristol Palin

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

I should stay away from pop culture.  Sure, I don’t mind reading about the people who are obviously very talented but lately, the pop universe has been filled with no-talent, famous-for-being-famous hacks that drive me absolutely bat-shit crazy. 

I’ll leave the Kardashians alone for a moment.  They’re pretty harmless.  And I won’t even go near the Real Housewives because despite the table flipping, they just seem boring.  And the Jersey Shore crowd?  Haven’t they seen their day already?  I think Snooki is even tired of being Snooki. 

But my crosshairs have lately been focused on the most visible single mother in the United States and that, my friends, is none other than Bristol Palin, the daughter of the Number One Mamma Grizzly herself, Sarah Palin. 

A couple of years ago, we didn’t know anything about Bristol although we were already learning way too much about her mother.  Suddenly all that changed with Bristol's appearance on Dancing With the Stars.  Anyone who thinks that Bristol is a “star” better check their Webster dictionary but those little details didn’t matter to tv executives who were eager to sell their souls for better ratings.  Since Sarah Palin is a love-her-or-hate-her kinda gal, the executives were betting that the same opinions would be formed about her daughter … and of course, they were right, especially when she stayed on the dance floor while much better dancers were eliminated before her.  After she was finally given the boot, I think most of us had hoped that her 15 minutes of primetime fame were over. 

But of course they weren't.  She caused a stir in the press when she showed up at an event looking … well, not like Bristol Palin.  She had replace her chubby double chin with a much more narrow one causing everyone to speculate that she had gone under the knife for a little plastic surgery.  Not so, said Palin, she had jaw re-alignment surgery and the procedure had nothing to do with more shallow desires.  She “doesn’t obsess” over her face even though she now wears more makeup than a cover model.  Clearly, Bristol takes after her momma; it doesn’t matter if you tell the truth as long as you tell lies with conviction. 

And now, because Bristol is a single mother and has to make money somehow, she has recently released a memoir, Not Afraid of Life or more appropriated titled, I made a mistake but now I have  cute baby and my mother and God still love me so it’s all good.  I won’t even comment on how ridiculous it is to write a memoir when you’re 20; plenty of other people have covered that territory so I won’t even go there.  What really drives me crazy is how she doesn’t take any responsibility for her actions.  As was widely quoted in the press, she claims that her virginity was “stolen” during a camping trip after Levi plied her with wine coolers.  First of all, how many wine coolers did this chick drink?  30?  Secondly, how could something be stolen when you give it away?  And thirdly, if you didn’t give it away, you were raped which she adamantly denies.  So which is it, Bristol?  Did you give it away willingly (so take some responsibility for your actions) or were you raped?  It has to be one or the other so make up your mind. 

Bristol has said that she wants people to learn from this book.  Learn from her mistakes.  I’m assuming that she’s talking directly to those 15 or 16 year old girls who have got a special twinkle in their eyes for those hunky classmates who sit at the back of the class and dream about hockey and killing wildlife.  The problem is that she doesn’t exactly put her life up as a warning for others about to go down the same road.  Okay, let’s sit back and think about this for a second.  Camping trip with boyfriend but without parents.  Cool!  Getting drunk on wine coolers.  Sounds like fun.  Having sex for the first time.  Awesome!  Having lots more sex after that?  What’s not to like?  Getting pregnant and having cute baby who turns out to be the love of your life?  Hallelujah!!  If I were a fifteen year old girl, I would be wondering what the supposed drawbacks were.  Of course, you might have that pesky gnat of a boyfriend who says mean things about your mother but that seems like a small price to pay when you have cute baby.  Aaaaaaah.  Cute baby. 

The person I feel most sorry for, of course, is the cute baby who will grow up to be a teenager who reads books.  How would you like to know that your mother sold the story of your conception to the highest bidder?  Thank mom!  Now when the high school bullies are pounding my head into the gym locker, I’ll know whom to blame. 

Do I really care what Bristol Palin writes or thinks or does?  Of course, I do.  How can someone like her be paid over $250,000 by a non profit to be a spokesperson to campaign AGAINST teen pregnancy.  Isn’t she the poster child for ADVOCATING teen pregnancy?  All you have to do is have a controversial mother, a deadbeat boyfriend, be willing to spill your private life all over the pages of a supposed memoir and you too will be rich and famous with a CUTE BABY.   

Will the madness ever end?  I really hope so but I fear that it won’t.  Bristol has signed up for a reality show and will try to come off as a do-gooder while she juggles those tough single mother issues like wondering what lip gloss to wear on Good Morning America. 

Maybe I’m taking the wrong approach here.  If there is anything that we should learn from the Palin family, it’s that they seem to become stronger the more insults are thrown their way.  Tough skin has never been so tough.  In fact, I think their skins are more like goddamn moose leather.  Keeping this in mind, I should take the opposite tact.  I should praise Bristol for being such a positive role model for all those teenage girls thinking about getting drunk and ohmygod, lying to their mothers.  And that plastic surgery has really given her a confident glow.  And I do hope she runs for President one day.  She is such a strong, courageous woman who is willing to share her wisdom for the benefit of the ignorant masses.  God bless her. 

And that's why I love her.  

Please buy her book.  She’s a struggling single mother, dontchaknow?  

Related articles

• Bristol Palin on V-Card Loss: No Date Rape By Levi Johnston (thehollywoodgossip.com)
• Bristol Palin Talks Virginity, Chin Surgery, Mom's Presidential Ambitions (VIDEO) (aoltv.com)
• Bristol Palin Hopes Young Girls Learn From Her Mistakes (socialitelife.com)
• Bristol Palin Lost Virginity While Drunk (socialitelife.com)

People that make me GAG!

It has been a tough week at work.  I was bitten, scratched and head-butted in the face by an exuberant puppy.

But I'm not here to complain.  I'm here to redirect my bitterness and let it fall upon my favorite subject to write about:  POP CULTURE and the people who inhabit this strange world. 

So for today's post, I wanted to write about the pop-people who make me want to vomit.  That physically make me sick.  I'm not saying that these people aren't talented but they have risen to the top like floating corpses and for whatever reason, I am fascinated with a decomposing body even if the stench does make me ill. 

Hmmmm.  Let's see.  First up, we have ...

THE KARDASHIANS

It has been well proven that if you’re hot and have lots of money (usually given to you by daddy), then you can be as famous as you want to be. Nobody believes this more than Kim Kardashian. She’s got a big ass booty, has shit loads of money and I swear that her true goal in life is to take over the world. I guess I would like her more if she did something that benefited society but all she seems to do is make herself look pretty and make drama out of no-drama situations. And to anyone who believes that her show is reality, then I have a big beautiful bridge in Brooklyn that I would like you to buy. Case in point; the producers of the Kardashian show called us because they were looking for a sick dog that needed surgery. We thought that was a little odd and declined their request. A couple of weeks later, there was a Kardashian episode where Kim just happened to find a little Chihuahua walking around an outside shopping area. She ended up taking it to a veterinarian (just down the street from us) and they diagnosed her with a pyometra—an infection in her uterus. Kim (God bless her overworked acting coaches) pretended that she couldn’t look after the dog (cue the tears) and had to give it up to a kind home. Oh please. That bitch (I mean the dog) was already owned and it was a complete setup. It shouldn’t come as any surprise; I hope that everyone agrees that almost all reality tv is far from reality.

As for the uglier sisters; I really have no comment except to say that you really can turn sows’ ears into silk purses. All it takes is a curvy sister who is willing to pave the way with a sextape and a Playboy spread.


THE PALINS

Oh geezes, where do I even begin. I can’t even tell you how much I hate this family without my blood boiling and vomit rising within my throat. Sarah Palin is without a doubt the dumbest person to come along in politics in a very short time (Bush, you can stand beside her for comparison purposes). All of her interviews are just unbelievably embarrassing and it is apparent that most third graders can put together sentences better than she can. But Sarah (that’s Barracuda Sarah to you and me. Oh wait, I think she now considers herself a grizzly mom. Grrrrr!) doesn’t just shut up—SHE KEEPS ON TALKING! ABOUT NOTHING! I’m going to give you an example of one of her speeches:

“I’m going to lower taxes … health care reform … Katie Couric is just a big meanie! … Of course I read newspapers. I read all of them. … Obama isn’t doing enough. … You betcha! … What me? A celebrity? … I know where animals belong. Right next to my potatoes …”

I think it’s clear that she will do whatever it takes to get up that totem pole. (Thanks to you McCain, she got a big leg up). It is damn frightening that there are plenty of people out there who support her. Have they even LISTENED to what she is saying? She reminds of a hellfire and brimstone preacher—all flash but no substance. Or maybe her popularity boils down to the observation from one blogger that stupid men want to fuck her and weak women want to be her. Can she just go away? Please?

And if saucy Sarah weren't enough, she has also unloaded her demon spawn upon the world in the form of a chunky teenager called Bristol. Talk about the acorn not falling far from the oak tree. Bristol has already learned the fine art of hypocrisy from her mother; she can’t marry Levi because he is “obsessed with Hollywood” and no less than a month later, she has signed up for Dancing With The Stars? WTF???!!! Someone should teach this girl what the expression “pot calling the kettle black” means. And I, for one, wants to know what ‘star” she is going to be dancing with because anyone who considers a knocked up 19 year old from the Alaskan sticks a “star” really needs to get a better dictionary. Bristol, I hope you find time out of your busy schedule to do more “abstinence” speeches and lecture kids about the freedom to chose when abstinence doesn’t work. Oh wait, you didn’t choose to keep your baby. You HAD to. Thank God it wasn’t a retard. (I said that sarcastically so it’s okay.)

God, I really hope Margaret Cho beats Bristol to a bloody pulp with a big dildo. Now, THAT I would pay to watch.


KATE GOSSELIN

I feel a little guilty for picking on Kate. She did produce a nice litter of kids and maybe deep down inside her ambitious soul, she does love them at least a little bit but Jesus, Mary and Joseph, this mama loves the spotlight more. And for that, I simply can’t forgive her.

I’m not sure how TLC can even get away with airing this show. After all, what exactly are we learning? How to make a lot of money by raising a big family and airing all the laundry on national tv? I don’t know how this cable show cannot be called exploitive; the kids aren’t old enough to give their permission to be filmed every freakin’ bloody day and so we leave it up to the starstruck mother? I suppose it’s the American way. In third world countries, they exploit their children by making them work in sweatshops but in the grand ol’ US of A, we put them on “reality” shows that document every boring detail of their little lives. I hope one day the bunch of them get together and sue the designer jeans off their mother. My advice to you Kate (are you listening?) is look after your family and give them as much love as your thin heart can give. Get rid of the cameras. Go back to being a real mother. I’m sure they’ll still invite you to the Emmy’s.


RYAN SEACREST

The biggest reason why I detest this guy is because, as the producer of the Kardashian show, he unleashed the unholy family upon the television viewing public. The other reason is because the guy is as superficial and phony as a wax statue. In fact, I’m almost convinced that he IS a well oiled animatronic wax statue. When I was in Vegas touring Madame Tussuad's Wax Museum, I came across a statue of Ryan and it was incredibly similar to what I have seen on stage. For all I know, it may have been THE Ryan Seacrest standing right there. The guy is so busy it is quite possible that at least part of his time is spent in a museum advertising himself—which is an activity that he clearly loves to do. There have been rumors that he might take over the Larry King show. This would be like Paris Hilton taking over the Oprah show. Yes, there would be lots of talk about celebrities and white fluffy dogs and shopping and icky boyfriends but anything beyond that would require a lot of awkward coaching through the earpiece. Spare us the second hand questions and please don’t allow Ryan to do this to us. He may be good at bulking up the egos of wannabe singers but don’t expect us to buy his candycoated worldview.

Runner ups: Jesse James and Kat Von D (ick!), Dr. Phil (arrogant and insincere), The Situation (need I say more?), Lindsay Lohan (time to go away so we can appreciate your come-back), Dr. Drew (exploitive and insincere), Kanye West (colossal ego and ignorant) and Elin Nordegren (you got what you deserved and please don’t tell me it was hell because you have NO idea what hell really is).