How to be an international hero

The Savong Foundation is a 501(c)3 registered charity based in Los Angeles, California. Its mission is to support projects in northern Cambodia which includes the Savong School, the Savong Orphan Center, the Student Center as well as outreach projects in the community.

I'm very proud to write that we just had our first year anniversary and what a year it has been!  

We have worked with people all over the world and have been involved in projects that range from finding sponsors for the children at the orphan center to installing a solar panel at the school.  Earlier this year, we opened the student center which is home to ten "big kids" who attend the local high school and university.  And on the horizon is extending the dental hygiene program implemented by the Angkor Hospital for Children so that more people are aware of the health benefits of a great smile.  

But like all charities, we can't do our work without you.  

We count on your support to help spread the word about the foundation and raise money for our projects.  We are a small charity but we work hard in making sure that the donated funds go towards the people who are much less fortunate than ourselves.  None of our board members take a salary and we cover all our travelling expenses to Cambodia with our own money.     

Would you like to join our family?  Here's how:  

• Follow us on facebook   http://www.facebook.com/savongfoundation
• Mention us on twitter  @savongfoundn
• Buy from our store  http://www.zazzle.com/savong
• Set up a birthday wish http://www.facebook.com/savongfoundation/app_2318966938
• Make a monthly tax deductible donation through Razoo  http://www.razoo.com/story/Savongfoundation
• Sell your items on eBay and donate some of the profits  http://donations.ebay.com/charity.jsp?NP_ID=46695
• Donate $10 to the new student center  http://www.razoo.com/story/The10fundraiser
• Join our cause to support Cambodian youth  http://www.causes.com/causes/650509-support-cambodian-youth
• Sponsor a child at the orphan center or a student at the student center.  Email me at phil@savongfoundation.org for more details.    

And of course, if you go to Cambodia, you can see everything for yourself!

On behalf of the Savong Foundation, I sincerely thank you for all your support.  

Phil Caldwell
CEO Savong Foundation

POPWATCH: At the Oscars

This year, I attended a very swanky Oscar event at Universal Studios.  It was very very exclusive but as long as you could afford $200 and a suit or a dress (whichever was appropriate), then you were exclusive enough.  

The money raised went towards MEND which helps people get out of poverty in Los Angeles so you didn't have to feel too guilty about spending an evening oogling stars who are much better looking than yourself.  

I had a great time and I would do it again.  

So here's my rundown of my random observations about the event and the movies that surrounded it.  It was a depressing year for movies, wasn't it?  Except for Bridesmaids.  I'm sooooo looking forward to some good ol' popcorn movies.  Anyone going to see The Hunger Games?  

Anyhoo, here we go ...

*Have you seen The Artist?  I think most people are saying that it’s a good but not a great movie.  Is it Best Picture material?  Well, if you compare it to The Descendants, then you’re comparing Godiva chocolate to shit-on-a-stick. 

*Yes, I will admit it that Angelina’s posturing was a little strange but in my books, she can do no wrong.  She is talented, beautiful and a great humanitarian and she can stick out any body part she wants wherever she wants.  And as someone else said, maybe she was just trying to air something out. 

*Meryl Streep had the funniest line of the night with her “whatever” acceptance speech.  She obviously has a great sense of humor even if “Iron Lady” didn’t. 

*Billy Crystal is a great host.  Everyone knows that.  He is far better than Ricky Gervass who is a mean-spirited fat British unfunny dwarf.    (You can dish it out Ricky but can you take it?)  I think Billy should host every year but occasionally let NPH do it for variety’s sake. 

*For the first time ever, I watched the shorts.  Most of them were good but I can’t understand why something like “Time Freak” made it onto the list.  It looked like something a bunch of drunk college students put together which, I suppose, is not necessarily a bad thing.  My choice for the Live Action Short was Tube Atlantic about a dying guy shooting up seagulls.  No, it definitely wasn’t PETA friendly but it was very bizarrely amusing. 

*Hugo is a little overrated.  I know I’m being picky when I say that it didn’t make any sense that NO ONE in this PARISIAN movie spoke French.  They all had British accents and sometimes very bad ones.  And Hugo didn’t know whose story it was telling.  Was it about the old man?  Or was it about the little kid?  It wasn’t a family movie.  If I were eight, I would have fallen asleep after the first ten minutes or peed in my pants so I got to go home.  In fact, at my age, I nearly did the latter but I didn’t want to clean up the mess. 

*Okay, I’m going back at The Descendants.  Not sure what the point of this movie was except give me the desire to stick needles into my eyes.  And if they wanted to make it more depressing, they really couldn’t have.  They even threw in a confused old Iady who thought she was off to visit Queen Elizabeth instead of her daughter who was in a coma.   I did like the stoner surfer dude.  He made the movie watchable. 

*Mara Rooney should have won for Best Actress.  This was a very complex violent role and she pulled it off perfectly.  And she wasn’t afraid to really bare it all (literally).  The movie was good too but I have a hard time believing that you can put on a wig and sunglasses and waltz into a bank and withdraw several billion dollars no matter how tech savvy you are. 

*Bridesmaids.  Yep, it was a good one and actually ENTERTAINING which a lot of the Best Picture nominees failed at.  Potty humor is really undervalued in our society.  We should have more films where women do disgusting things.  And I think Kristin Wiig is pretty damn amazing.  I was first introduced to her in Knocked Up and she had the funniest five minutes even with very few words.

*They really should have had the dog from The Artist up on stage at the Oscars.  Hollywood people are suckers for animals and in my profession, that’s a good thing. 

*Why does Jennifer Lopez always think she is attending the Miami Beach Hot Body contest?  As much as I admire the heavy lifting that her dresses do, I still don’t think it’s appropriate to pull that kinda shit at the Oscars.  Cover up a little bit, there J.Lo.  We know you have the boobies but you’re distracting us from what comes out of your mouth.  (Is that the point?) 

*The older kid from The Tree of Life should have won something.  I don’t care what they needed to call it.  Young Actor’s Award or something?  I don’t know how old he was but he did a remGarkable job in a very haunting movie that everyone seemed to love or hate.  I loved it but I think I could have done without the dinosaurs and the cosmos and other ridiculous imagery that only made the movie feel pretentious. 

*I don’t think anyone got “played off” by music at the Oscars this year.  I wonder what the Academy told the winners so that they kept within their allotted time.  They must have threatened them with winged monkeys or something.  I was impressed that they kept the show running right on schedule. 

*Doesn’t it suck when you defy million to one odds and receive a nomination for Best Supporting Actress and then you show up on the red carpet wearing something that looks like a billowing tent?  Melissa, you really needed to talk to Joan Rivers before you made that choice.  That plastic old bitch would have told you like it is. 

*How many times did the cameras cut to George Clooney during the telecast?  Yes, he is good looking but so are the hundreds of other people in that room.  

*My favorite for Best Picture was the quirky Midnight In Paris.  It had a quiet charm and I thought it was far more magical than the heavy handed Hugo.  I didn’t entirely trust the set-up; there is no way that the main characters would have ever gotten engaged in the first place (he was a dreamer and she was a raging bitch) but I was carried away about the romance and Woody Allen did for Paris what he has done for New York in his previous pictures. 

*Whatever happened to the musical numbers?   Sometimes it’s good to have something really disastrously bad so that people have something to talk about the next day other than the women who tried too hard on the red carpet. 

*I like Emma Stone.  I really really like her.  She looks like she is enjoying her time in the spotlight and she isn’t afraid to act her age.  The Help was just a so-so movie but perhaps the fact that I watched it on an 8 inch screen while flying over the Pacific had something to do with my attitude.    

And last but not least, I didn’t do very well with my voting ballot.  Trying to think like an old white guy is actually very difficult.    

Can't wait till next year.  

Until then, we should all make love in the firmament.  

Ciao baby!  

Apologies to Morro Bay

There is a big mistake with this picture which you might not immediately catch.

Oh Happy New Year and all that.  I hope 2012 in a good one and the Mayans are wrong and everyone gets what they deserve--good or bad.  Moving on ...

I took this picture in the fall and I guess it has been a while--or maybe my memory isn't very good--because I could have sworn this place was called Mono Bay.  So I photoshopped it with a big mono bay sign which is unfortunate because it is called Morro Bay.

But I have better things to do with my time than play on photoshop (cleaning, doing laundry, walking dog, shower, eat and plan world domination, not necessarily in that order ...) so I have decided to leave it as is.  It didn't take me long to do but still, I think I hear my dog peeing on the carpet ...

Morro Bay is a great spot to visit.  Not sure I would want to live there (it's a little too sleepy for me) but it is very picturesque and they had some pretty good chowder on the docks.  It's on the coast, north of Los Angeles on the way to San Francisco.

The Chinatown of Los Angeles

I've been to the Chinatowns in New York, San Francisco and Los Angeles and my favourite so far has been the one in New York.

I was there about twenty years ago and I made the trek because I wanted to see the chicken who could play tic-tac-toe.  Apparently no one could beat this damn chicken so of course, I wanted to see just how smart this feathered beast was.  Just as I was about to enter the building where the chicken held court, I literally chickened out.  I can't remember why I turned away.  I think it was because I felt like the chicken was being abused in some way despite the fact that it was rewarded with food each time it won a game.  Apparently, I didn't want to be a part of some weird animal torture.

So I never met the chicken that played tic-tac-toe.

But the New York Chinatown was very impressive and I still have the silver Buddha I bought there.

The Chinatown in Los Angeles is situated in the downtown area.  It's a fairly small area and seems very practical--not overly welcoming to tourists unless you take some time to explore all the nooks and crannies of the neighborhood.  But it is worth a visit even if you're time is limited and you're tired of driving by big houses where the moviestars live.

Here are some photos of my recent visit ...

The Canals of Venice

Nope, not THAT Venice.

There is another Venice which you might not be familiar with if you've never been to California.

Venice, Los Angeles is a funky beach community which has a great boardwalk where you can buy art or incense or jewelry from homeless-looking "artists".  It is one of my favorite places in LA to hang out if I have a lazy afternoon to spare.

But there is a reason, of course, why Venice is called Venice.  Back in 1905, a developer named Abbot Kinney wanted to recreate the look and feel of Venice, Italy so he designed a community with bridges and canals.  After a couple of decades, the area fell apart and it wasn't until the early 90s that the subdivision was renovated and restored.

Now it is a very desirable and upscale neighborhood and from the pictures below, I think you'll see why.

The houses are all very unique and they are well maintained.

And where else in Los Angeles can you step outside your front door and go for a canoe ride?

It's a cool area to check out if you're in the neighborhood.  The real Venice, it isn't.  But c'mon, nothing is real in LA anyway.

The end is near and it's not about Harry Potter

For those people who don't live in LA, you may not care.

But for those people who do, we have the equivalent of a nuclear blast coming our way and it is commonly known as  ...

CARMAGEDDON!!!

The 405 freeway will be shut down for a couple of days while they take apart a bridge for a roadway widening project.  This means that half a million cars will have to be diverted each day and it will be fun, fun, fun!

Everyone knows that the public transportation system in LA is a joke so that's not an option.

And walking anywhere in this city is illegal so that's out.

Riding a horse just isn't practical for a couple of days.  Neither is renting a plane.

So, my fellow Angelenos, we're going to have to tough it out in our cars.  I hope the good Lord blesses us with some great radio stations and a helluva lot of patience because we're gonna need it.

And we'll also need some alternate routes besides the 405.  Let's just say you wanted to go from North Hollywood to Santa Monica for work.  This is the road that you probably would take, highlighted in purple.

But while CARMAGEDDON  is going on, I suggest the route highlighted in red.  

Just tell your boss you'll be a little late.  

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• Carmageddon Panic Hits Los Angeles (inquisitr.com)
• Carmageddon: How the project will be done (abclocal.go.com)
• Happy Carmageddon! (charanicole.wordpress.com)
• Angeleno Apocalypse: The Coming Carmageddon of L.A.'s Closed 405 (time.com)

Point Mugu in Malibu

There is some beautiful hiking to be done on the coast of Los Angeles, near Malibu.

Today I was at Point Mugu State Park and it was an incredible day.  With beauty like this, it's no wonder that we pay such high taxes for living here.

The hike took about two hours round trip.  The trailhead is at the Sycamore Canyon campsite.

Sometimes you just get lucky and get to snap a photo like this.  

A Night at the Russian Opera

Last night I had the chance to do something a little different.

I had been invited by a friend to see a Russian artist named Vitas.  I had never heard of him before so I inquired about what type of music he played and I was told that it was euro-pop opera. 

Hmmmm, interesting ….

I told my friend that I would go see Vitas without even listening to his music.  I figured that this was just too weird of an opportunity to pass up even if the ticket was a fairly hefty $80.  I was assured that it was a good seat, however, and I wouldn’t be disappointed. 

Around 7pm, a group of us drove down to the Wilshire Ebell theater which is located in the mid-city area of Los Angeles.  Thankfully there was available parking (often times a challenge in the congested areas of LA) and we followed the other concert goers to the entrance.  I was wearing some nice jeans and a t-shirt which, believe it or not, is generally considered formal wear in this very casual city.  As it turned out, I felt very underdressed in this crowd; I was definitely NOT aware that this was a very ethnic event and apparently, Russians really dress up when they are going out.  The guys were wearing suits, the women were wearing dresses and I felt a little like the grubby kid at the dinner table.  I was given the ticket (which was in Russian) and a little old lady who looked suspiciously like Dr. Ruth ripped it in half and I was ushered into the Ebell. 

The Ebell is one of those beautiful old theaters that has been lovingly restored.  Although it doesn’t have the breathtaking intricacy of the Pantages in Hollywood, it has a lot of classic lines which you might see in a European arthouse.  With this kind of audience, I felt like I had been transported to St. Petersburg to see a revival of Uncle Vanya.  I didn’t understand any of the conversation around me so I waited patiently for the magic to start. 

Vitas deserves every bit of acclaim that has been heaped upon him.  His trademark is his falsetto and when he hits those high notes (and I mean HIGH notes), it no longer sounds like a voice but a perfectly pitched instrument.  He really is quite amazing.  I’ve never heard anything like him before and I was hypnotized.  He’s also quite the showman and (this is where it gets a little bizarre), he sang Ave Maria dressed up in a glittery Egyptian Pharoah costume.  I have no idea why a Russian singer would want to emulate a Vegas-style King Tut but I guess when you have a voice like that, you’re allowed to wear whatever you damn well please.  The other suprising thing about his concert was that he covered a lot of music territory.  Yes, he did opera but there was plenty of euro-style pop music, a few Russian folk songs, a little bit of Andrew Lloyd Webber and at one point, he broke into a Michael Jackson impersonation complete with the moonwalking and the hat.  There was not one word of English spoken so I’m not sure if Vitas can even speak English.  The crowd sure seemed to love him and towards the end, there was a steady stream of people lining up to give him flowers.  In return, he handed out a large number of long stemmed roses as he kissed and hugged audience members while strolling around the theater. Clearly, a smooth operator.  

His final encore is probably his most well known song:  Opera No. 2.  I have included the video of it below and I hope you check it out to really get an idea of this guy’s unique style.  The song itself is over 10 years old but apparently it has aged well; Vitas sang it with incredibly fresh beauty, power and heart.  I hope he comes back to LA again.   Seeing him on Youtube is one thing but seeing him in person with the whole theater experience is quite another.  

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

2011, is this the beginning of a beautiful friendship? 

I hope so. 

For new year's eve, I was catching the aloha spirit down in Malibu at a restaurant called Duke's. The food was incredible, the service was amazing ... well, there are a lot of superlatives to describe this restaurant. It was a great time and as an added bonus, there was very little traffic to get down there. From North Hollywood to Malibu, it took me about 40 minutes. In Los Angeles, that ain't too bad.

2010 was a good year; I travelled to Canada, Cambodia (twice), and Las Vegas, met some cool new friends, moved to a bigger and nicer apartment, started The Savong Foundation which will benefit a community in Cambodia and I think I helped a lot of animals at the clinic where I work.  But I also lost my best furry friend, Dusty, who had to be euthanized at the age of 17 1/2 years.  That was tough, really tough.

For 2011, I have a lot of hope.  I know it's possible to start anew every single day but the start of a new year is very symbolic and I want to make the best of it.  I want The Savong Foundation to be successful, I want to travel as much as possible (Boston, Canada, and hopefully Cambodia are on the list), I want to get back at my writing (especially my screenwriting), I want to get another pet and I want to believe that everything good is possible. 

So, we'll see what happens.  Stay tuned. 

For anyone out there who is reading, I hope that you get what you dream about too.  Because dreaming is what makes us human and sometimes, sometimes, sometimes dreams do come true. 

Rainy days in California

There has been so much rain lately I feel like I'm living in Seattle (or Vancouver for the Canucks).

I'm walking around Universal Studios doing some Christmas shopping (yeah, I know that's weird). Sucks to be a tourist today. Pay $75 per person and see King Kong in the rain. This is supposed to be sunny California, dammit!

But I'm happy. Just having a caramel latte and staying dry and warm.

But I gotta walk back to my car eventually and it's a looooooong walk. I was too cheap to pay $15 for parking at Universal.

Oh well.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Location:Universal City Plaza,San Fernando Valley,United States

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So you wanna move to L.A.?

And you wanna know how much it's gonna dig into your wallet? 

The total cost of moving to LA (from the other coast) will depend on a lot of factors so it’s very difficult to give an accurate estimate. Thankfully, the final cost will really depend on YOU and what you’re willing to do to keep costs as low as possible.

Let’s just look at the first month and see what you would be looking at financially.

Here are your major expenses:

1) MOVING: The most economical way is to hire a U-haul and load it up with as much stuff as possible. Of course, that will limit how much stuff you’re bringing with you but hopefully you’re not moving a whole house worth of crap. It’s gonna take a couple of days to do a cross-country journey and it’s better if can convince a friend to take the journey with you to cram more driving hours into the day.

Estimated cost: $1500. This price will be higher if you want to take more stuff with you and take longer to drive or lower if you decide to leave most of your junk behind and just jump on a plane.

2) APARTMENT: First you have to decide if you want to get into a roommate situation or rent a one bedroom. Obviously the roommate sitch is cheaper but I can tell you from first hand experience that roommates are crazy and will spend every waking hour trying to drive you crazy so the discounted living quarters may not be worth it. If you want to live in the valley close to Hollywood, you need to search in the following neighborhoods; Universal City, Studio City, Sherman Oaks, North Hollywood and possibly Van Nuys. Don’t even think about living in Northridge, Chatsworth or Encino if you want to get any respect from people living over the hill.

Estimated cost: $700 (shared) to $1200 (one bedroom). Of course, the move in costs are doubled because they will ask for a security deposit so you’ll want at least $1400 to $2400.

3) FOOD: Eating in LA is damned expensive unless you decide that you can survive on the Subway/Carl’s Jr. diet. I shop at Ralph’s grocery store and I tend to buy about $400 worth of groceries each month but admittedly, I’m not always looking for deals and I’m not a coupon clipper.

It’s hard to stay away from restaurant eating once and a while. And if you’re in LA, you should check out some of the scene. So …

Estimated cost: I’m gonna go with $300 to $500.

4) CAR: Don’t even think about using the public transportation system in LA. Actually, I have a metro link close to my apartment and it isn’t a bad way to get down to Hollywood but it’s pretty much the same price as when I drive. It is also a longer trip. So you need a car. And it has to be reliable; the last thing you want it to be stuck on the 101 because your transmission blew up and suddenly, you’re gonna be 2 hours late for a script meeting. Cost of gas is very expensive and can be painfully expensive if you have a long commute to work. Also add in the insurance. When I moved to California, my insurance rates doubled and I got less coverage. Welcome to helLA!

Estimated cost: Including gas and insurance, $300 to $500.

5) MISCELLANEOUS: There are other costs involved such as apartment utilities, internet, cell phone, movie tickets, gym fees (c’mon, this is LA, you gotta look good) as well as parking tickets (we all get them, just accept this fact). And you do want a buffer of cash, just for emergencies.

Estimated costs: For the first month, I would have an extra grand on hand, just in case. You never know in this crazy city.

Let’s see. It adds up to $4500 on the low side to about $6000 on the high side. That sounds about right. Ideally, you will have a good job that will pay the bills after the first month and by the second month, you’ve sold that million dollar script and will be working out the costs to move to BH.

Good luck!

Slimmin' with Simmons!

You can do some crazy things in L.A. right?

Riiiiiiiight!

My coworker found out that Richard Simmons hosts an aerobic class in Beverly Hills. This shit was just too whacked to pass up so, against our better judgement, a few of us decided to attend.

This is how we looked like while we were still in our clinic parking lot.

Uh, huh. Read on. It only gets worse.

We had no idea what to expect. At least, I didn't. I have never attended an aerobics class before (okay, maybe one, but I was in a pool in Cancun and I was drunk) but I'm in pretty decent shape and somewhat coordinated so I figured I wouldn't look completely foolish.

It took us about 25 minutes to get down to his studio on a Thursday night. Mr. Simmons arrived soon after and gave us all hugs and welcomed us to his workout. He looked exactly like he has looked for as long as I can remember. Crazy hair, bright tank-top with crystals, short shorts and enough energy to fuel ten gay parades. The guy does not age. Kinda like Cher.

The class started on time and this was no mamby-pamby workout. He wanted those kicks high and the arms strong. If you weren't workin' it, he would give you an icy glare or yell like a drill instructor on speed. After twenty minutes, I was starting to wonder how long this damn thing was going to last. I found out later that the class is an hour and a half long! At the very least, that was WAY too much 90s music at full volume.

Towards the end, our instructor mellowed out a little. We used free weights. We did some pelvic thrusts. He counselled us on how to reach our goals and to think before we eat. He told us a short and somewhat sad story about how he was flooded with autograph and picture requests at the last restaurant he went to. This made me feel a little guilty because I had brought my camera with me. I guess that's your life if your R. Simmons.

At the end of the class, I was the brave one who went up to him and requested photos. He said yes without hesitation and we all got a group photo and individual photos with him.

Here is our group photo.

I also have my individual photo. But I have to warn you. It is TERRIFYING. It should be censored. I fear that people who view it may go blind.

So I'm telling you now. It's okay to skip past this picture.

I can't decide whether to post it. I am getting cold feet. I don't have a lot of shame but in the interest of public safety, I do have some reservations about showing it to the world.

Oh, who cares. I gave you enough warning, right?

Here it is.

As we were leaving, Richard told us that he loved us and we promised we would be back for more ass kicking. We returned to our homes in the valley, exhausted but (strangely) exhilarated. Maybe I'm just speaking for myself but I think everyone enjoyed themselves.

Thanks Richard. Keep on fighting the good fight against fat and flab!

Adopt me (if you can)

This is the dog that I tried to adopt for my brother's family last week. She was a two year old female spayed something that had been rescued by a group that shall remain nameless.

I had known her for over a month and had personally taken her on walks and even long hikes. I had seen how she interacted with strangers as well as other dogs. She seemed wonderful and I thought she would be the perfect fit for my brother's family. They have a large enclosed backyard and my sister-in-law's full time job was raising my four year old niece.

Call me naive but I expected the rescue group just to hand the dog over to me. After all, I had a good relationship with them and they trusted me to treat their other animals (both medically and surgically) so you would think that they trusted me to find one of their pets a good home.

Wrong!

Their first request was that they have my brother fill out an application form. I can't reproduce the entire form here (that would take up WAY too much space) so I've decided to make up my own form which shows you the spirit of the original.

DOG APPLICATION

Name: ____________ Date of Birth:____________ Occupation:_______________

Personal References: (provide at least 10; more if you have not known these references for at least 25 years)

Who shares your household: (Check one) Spouse___ Significant Other____ Roommate____ Live in____ 

Unemployed relative____ One armed sociopath____ Republican____

If Republican was checked, please indicate how strong their beliefs are from 1 to 10. (10 being the strongest)

If your present situation were to change, with whom will the dog remain: (Check one) Deadbeat spouse____ Insignificant Other____ Irresponsible Roomate who didn't clean up after himself/herself____ Welfare relative who is waiting for mama to die____ One armed sociopath____ Republican____

What happened to your previous family pets? (Check all that apply) Got out, terrorized the neighborhood and never saw him/her since____ Urinated on new fabric couch and never saw him/her since____ Father gave pork-bone, coughed up a lot of blood and never saw him/her since____ Developed cancer, was lovingly treated with my parent's life-savings and we had him/her freeze-dried____

Why do you want a dog? (Check all that apply) Companion____ Companion for other pet____ Show children the facts of life____ Mouser____ Dog fighting____ Get a hot date____ Be a substitute for a hot date____

Which do you live in? (Check one) House____ Condo____ Apartment marked for demolition____ Cardboard box____

Do you have a gardener, house keeper or pool cleaner? If not, please explain. If yes, please indicate if you are currently in an intimate relationship with him.

If you go on vacation, who will care for your dog? (Check one) House sitter____ Veterinarian____ Kennel____ Teenage son____ Meth lab next door____ Can't afford vacation or possibly even dog food____

Will you keep your dog's vaccinations up to date? (Check all that apply) Yes____ No____

Which of the following would force you to give up your dog? (Check all that apply) Barfs on carpet____ Pees on carpet____ Eats carpet____ Eats small children____ Tries to eat small children____ Humps furniture____ Humps legs of older relatives____ Humps anything that is stationary____ Excessive saliva____ Excessive gas____ Excessive vet bills____ Any vet bills____ Doesn't match home decor____ Destroys home decor____ Barks____ Barks when bored____ Barks at neighbors____ Barks at wealthy frail relatives____ Develops parvo____ Develops Distemper____ Develops Rabies and children are scared of foaming mouth____ Begging at dinner table____ Begging to come indoors____ Begging for attention____ Inappropriate erections____ Appropriate erections____ Suspect dog is stupid____ Suspect dog is insane___ Suspect dog is possessed____ Suspect dog was dropped on head when was a puppy____ Suspect dog should have been eaten by mother when was a puppy____ No longer want a dog____ Never really wanted a dog____ Didn't realize you had to feed dog____ Didn't realize dog would pass stool____ Didn't realize dog would eat stool____ Really wanted a cat ____

Who is your veterinarian? Do you trust him/her? Please explain.

What method do you intend to use to housetrain your dog? (Check all that apply) Crate training____ Begging and pleading____ Electroshock____

Are you willing to allow a representative from our rescue group to inspect your residence? If no, why the hell not? Please explain. (Minimum 3 pages required for explanation)

Have you tried to adopt a dog in the past? If yes, please indicate why you were denied. (Check all that apply) No idea____ No clue____ I have a large horn growing out of my forehead____

I understand that filling out this application does not guarantee the adoption of a pet by our rescue organization.

Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for us to do background and credit checks. If you are an illegal alien, please allow more time.

I agree that all of the above information is honest and true.

Signature

And guess what, my brother was DENIED!