My Horrorscope for 2007

It's New Year's Eve (at least in some parts of the US of A and Canada) and I've decided to take another look at my horoscope for last year.

I remember looking at it in January of 2007 and thinking this could be my year! I printed it out and have kept it on my desk as some sort of beacon to guide my predicted success.

As the months rolled by, I thought that it was only a matter of time before the red carpet was rolled out to the promised land. I waited. And I waited. And waited some more. And now it's the end of the year. And goddarnit, I'm disappointed. Things just didn't turn out as I had hoped.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still thankful. I'm not covered in flies and eating dirt. I don't have parents who are cousins. I can touch my toes without bending my knees. I just thought that things would be a little different. And if you can't trust a website spouting free information about the future, I ask you; who can you trust?

So, let's take a look at my 2007 horoscope and see how wrong they really were. My horoscope is in regular white type and my interpretation is in italic red.

SAGITTARIUS:

Creative writing talents are a very strong factor in how you make money this year. There were obviously a couple of typos in this sentence. It should have read, Creative writing talents will put you further in debt and you will continue to make money by squeezing the anals glands of dogs and vaccinating pissed off cats. You love giving to others in ways that make people feel good about themselves. I'm not even sure what this sentence means. As most of my friends know, "love" and "giving" are two words that shouldn't be used in any sentence that describes me. You have a flair for expressing your good heart through writing and theater and it shows with expansiveness and abundant energy. Expansiveness is a big word and I'm too tired to look up its meaning. So much for the "abundant energy". And what about the theater? Does this horoscope just add in words for the hell of it? Your extremely optimistic nature sees possibility in everything, a person for whom the glass is definitely "half full" rather than "half empty". I was optimistic when I read this horoscope at the beginning of 2007. At the end of 2007, the glass is definitely half empty. In fact, I think the motherfucker who wrote this horoscope drank whatever putrid water was remaining. Finances may fluctuate but when you follow your gut feelings you are likely to be successful financially. My gut feelings have caused me to buy $100 jeans and $40 t-shirts. It's time to stop paying attention to the gut and give that abused credit card a little more love. A relaxing vacation will help you in your career.

My trip to Cancun killed off so many brain cells I could barely remember how to use a calculator. You are courageous in expressing your opinion ...This horoscope sucks. You have a keen intuition ...Obviously not or I would have seen how ridiculous this horoscope was at the beginning of the year. and would make an excellent teacher. They had to throw that in. You know the saying, those who can't, teach?

I haven't looked at my horoscope for 2008 yet. Don't want to jinx it. In fact, I'm determined to have really low expectations for next year so I will be thrilled with whatever is thrown my way.

Rejection, bills, heartache, writer's block, career suicide ...

Bring. It. On.