EXT. GOD’S OFFICE – DAY
Heaven, just as you thought it would be. Lots of white and smoke effects.
DR. PHIL opens the door to the office and finds MARILYN MONROE doing her nails at the receptionist’s desk.
DR. PHIL
Marilyn Monroe? What are you doing here?
MARILYN
God offered me the job. Comes with a lot of perks.
DR. PHIL
Wow, that’s great. How’s the Big Guy doing today?
MARILYN
Oh you know how it is, sweetie. He’s got a stressful job. He can’t be in a good mood all the time.
DR. PHIL
That good vs. evil stuff can give anyone a headache. Can he still see me at 11?
MARILYN
He’ll see you right now. The door to your left.
DR. PHIL
Thanks Mar! Good seeing you.
Dr. Phil walks by Marilyn and pushes through the door to the left.
INT. DARK ROOM – DAY
A single spotlight illuminates Dr. Phil. Otherwise the room is pitch black.
DR. PHIL
God?
A deep masculine voice booms out of the darkness.
GOD
Yes, my son.
DR. PHIL
I thought Jesus was your son.
GOD
Would you like me to call you daughter?
DR. PHIL
Haha. A sense of humor. I like that in a deity. You’re male too. It’s good to know that everything they taught us in Sunday school wasn’t wrong.
GOD
Is there a reason why you’re here today?
DR. PHIL
Uh yeah, I think I’m a failure as a human being and I just wanted your opinion on that.
GOD
What makes you think such self-loathing thoughts?
DR. PHIL
Well, I went shopping at Trader Joe’s today and all of a sudden an elderly lady fell in the parking lot. I saw it out of the corner of my eye so the details are a little blurry as to why she fell but I was the closest person to her and I didn’t know what to do.
GOD
You could have helped her up.
DR. PHIL
I froze. I think I expected her to jump to her feet and be on her merry little way.
GOD
That’s a little difficult with a broken hip.
DR. PHIL
Do you know for a fact that it was broken or are you just guessing?
GOD
Omnipotent beings don’t have to guess.
Dr. Phil rolls his eyes.
DR. PHIL
Anyhoo, a crowd soon gathered and a couple of men helped her up. I pretended that the sale of orchids caught my attention and I hustled into the store.
GOD
You think you’re a failure because of this?
DR. PHIL
It seems to me that I’m lacking some sort of altruistic gene. This bothers me. It should be a core part of every human, don’t you think? Helping others. It should be instinctual. I should have run over and helped her up with dignity and respect.
GOD
You’ll know for next time. Altruism can be an acquired behavior.
DR. PHIL
Okay, I’ll work on it. I’m still feeling guilty about that lady though. Hope she’s alright.
GOD
She’ll meet a nice rich surgeon, they'll get along very well and her family will start paying attention to her again.
DR. PHIL
Geez, maybe I should break a hip. One last question; how come you didn’t throw down a mattress or something cushy to break her fall.
GOD
What? You mean, have a mattress fall out of the sky?
DR. PHIL
Admittedly, it would have looked a little strange but it would have prevented a broken hip.
GOD
I try not to interfere with events on earth although I do like to dabble in American politics every so often.
DR. PHIL
Can’t blame you there. God knows we need some guidance.
GOD
Your time is almost up.
DR. PHIL
Wait, wait. One more thing; what do you think about the Golden Globes being cancelled because of the writer’s strike?
GOD
As I have told many other people, I have no control over the AMPTP. They belong to the dark side.
DR. PHIL
Darnit, I was hoping you could knock a few of them off. Or threaten them with fire and brimstone or something.
GOD
I hate the reruns as much as anyone.
DR. PHIL
That calls for a hi-five but it’s kinda dark in here.
GOD
That’s all the time we have for today. The exit is behind you.
DR. PHIL
Thanks for listening. Catch you next time, Mr. Big Guy.
GOD
Good luck with helping others.
DR. PHIL
You’re the best. We should talk more often.
GOD
I’m always here.
DR. PHIL
Good to know. See ya!
Dr. Phil exits.
Heaven, just as you thought it would be. Lots of white and smoke effects.
DR. PHIL opens the door to the office and finds MARILYN MONROE doing her nails at the receptionist’s desk.
DR. PHIL
Marilyn Monroe? What are you doing here?
MARILYN
God offered me the job. Comes with a lot of perks.
DR. PHIL
Wow, that’s great. How’s the Big Guy doing today?
MARILYN
Oh you know how it is, sweetie. He’s got a stressful job. He can’t be in a good mood all the time.
DR. PHIL
That good vs. evil stuff can give anyone a headache. Can he still see me at 11?
MARILYN
He’ll see you right now. The door to your left.
DR. PHIL
Thanks Mar! Good seeing you.
Dr. Phil walks by Marilyn and pushes through the door to the left.
INT. DARK ROOM – DAY
A single spotlight illuminates Dr. Phil. Otherwise the room is pitch black.
DR. PHIL
God?
A deep masculine voice booms out of the darkness.
GOD
Yes, my son.
DR. PHIL
I thought Jesus was your son.
GOD
Would you like me to call you daughter?
DR. PHIL
Haha. A sense of humor. I like that in a deity. You’re male too. It’s good to know that everything they taught us in Sunday school wasn’t wrong.
GOD
Is there a reason why you’re here today?
DR. PHIL
Uh yeah, I think I’m a failure as a human being and I just wanted your opinion on that.
GOD
What makes you think such self-loathing thoughts?
DR. PHIL
Well, I went shopping at Trader Joe’s today and all of a sudden an elderly lady fell in the parking lot. I saw it out of the corner of my eye so the details are a little blurry as to why she fell but I was the closest person to her and I didn’t know what to do.
GOD
You could have helped her up.
DR. PHIL
I froze. I think I expected her to jump to her feet and be on her merry little way.
GOD
That’s a little difficult with a broken hip.
DR. PHIL
Do you know for a fact that it was broken or are you just guessing?
GOD
Omnipotent beings don’t have to guess.
Dr. Phil rolls his eyes.
DR. PHIL
Anyhoo, a crowd soon gathered and a couple of men helped her up. I pretended that the sale of orchids caught my attention and I hustled into the store.
GOD
You think you’re a failure because of this?
DR. PHIL
It seems to me that I’m lacking some sort of altruistic gene. This bothers me. It should be a core part of every human, don’t you think? Helping others. It should be instinctual. I should have run over and helped her up with dignity and respect.
GOD
You’ll know for next time. Altruism can be an acquired behavior.
DR. PHIL
Okay, I’ll work on it. I’m still feeling guilty about that lady though. Hope she’s alright.
GOD
She’ll meet a nice rich surgeon, they'll get along very well and her family will start paying attention to her again.
DR. PHIL
Geez, maybe I should break a hip. One last question; how come you didn’t throw down a mattress or something cushy to break her fall.
GOD
What? You mean, have a mattress fall out of the sky?
DR. PHIL
Admittedly, it would have looked a little strange but it would have prevented a broken hip.
GOD
I try not to interfere with events on earth although I do like to dabble in American politics every so often.
DR. PHIL
Can’t blame you there. God knows we need some guidance.
GOD
Your time is almost up.
DR. PHIL
Wait, wait. One more thing; what do you think about the Golden Globes being cancelled because of the writer’s strike?
GOD
As I have told many other people, I have no control over the AMPTP. They belong to the dark side.
DR. PHIL
Darnit, I was hoping you could knock a few of them off. Or threaten them with fire and brimstone or something.
GOD
I hate the reruns as much as anyone.
DR. PHIL
That calls for a hi-five but it’s kinda dark in here.
GOD
That’s all the time we have for today. The exit is behind you.
DR. PHIL
Thanks for listening. Catch you next time, Mr. Big Guy.
GOD
Good luck with helping others.
DR. PHIL
You’re the best. We should talk more often.
GOD
I’m always here.
DR. PHIL
Good to know. See ya!
Dr. Phil exits.
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