Indiana Jones and the plastic skull he bought for $2.50 at Wal-mart

The picture above represents my thoughts on the latest Indiana Jones adventure.

It was baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

What in the hell were these ex-geniuses thinking?

I started off by being disappointed and then I got mad. I was so mad that I couldn’t sleep last night and I was still awake at 3 a.m.

Raiders of the Lost Ark is one of my favorite films and the two sequels were almost as good. When I first saw Raiders, I felt like I had gone on an adventure. I didn’t just admire Indiana, I wanted to be him. He was athletic, handsome, witty, smart and fearless, except for those darn snakes. He was sexy yet rough around the edges. In short, a perfect hero.

Fast forward some twenty years later and Indiana just seemed, well, tired. But not just him, the adventure was tired, the dialogue was tired, even the soundtrack couldn’t muster the oomph it once had. They added in Shia LaBoof but that was just a marketing ploy so that the teen girls would show up.

Unfortunately the real problem lay with the script. The plot is completely fucking ridiculous and there is none of the sharp action, crackling dialogue, fun romance and memorable set pieces that we expect from Spielberg and company. I can’t imagine a committee reading this script and saying, “We love it! Let’s dig up Harrison Ford and make a movie!”.

Ugh.

Don’t mess with the memories, Mr. Spielberg. You can make E.T. 2 and trash it for all I care, but Indiana Jones deserved so much more than what you gave him.

But, I must remain positive. There is some value in almost anything so I’m going to flip this all around and write about things that I learned from this debacle.

Warning: THERE ARE SPOILERS. (But the movie is already rotten so look at it this way; I may be saving you $12)

THINGS I LEARNED FROM INDIANA JONES AND HIS CRAPTACULAR ADVENTURE

· You can survive a nuclear blast by hiding in a fridge. Even though you are blown a couple of miles away, you will be able to hold the door closed from sturdy handles on the inside.

· Prairie dogs can live in the desert.

· If you need to fire a professor from your college, you should raise your voice and do so just outside his classroom so that all his students can hear.

· Crystal skulls are very portable since they are made of indestructible plastic. They are very handy for scaring natives, keeping man-eating ants away, making archeologists crazy, and opening portals to other dimensions.

· When you tell your insane friend to go get help, you should keep in mind that the only help available will be the same people you’re running away from.

· If you’re straddling two army trucks, it is more important to protect your crotch with your hands than worry if you’re going to be stabbed with a saber or shot with a gun.

· Swinging on vines like jungle boy is as fast for travelling through the jungle as racing trucks.

· If you have no clue what to do next, drive over a cliff. A very sturdy tree will be available to gently lift you down into the water below.

· Riding over waterfalls in a truck can be a lot of fun. Remember to give the precious skull to the crazy old man who will have no problem holding it while he plummets, oh, let’s say A MILE.

· Ancient caves are well illuminated to allow for easier, more efficient travel.

· Standard issue natives can burst out of walls when needed to protect their temples.

· You should bring your annoying friend with you while you search for dangerous lost cities. This annoying friend may call you Jonesy, nearly get you killed and steal artifacts but you should trust him 100% at least until he pulls a gun on you. When his life is in danger, you should do your very best at trying to save his traitor ass.

· An alien is very ungrateful when you give him his head back. It will suck up your friends into other dimensions and make your eyes spit fire.

. There are spaces between spaces. This is where ET lives.

· A good way to destroy any temple is LOTS and LOTS of water.

· A water spout is like a primitive elevator. It will gently lift you and all your friends out of harms way while a massive alien ship is taking off.

· Despite having no discernable chemistry or even a romantic interlude, you can still fall in love with the woman you ditched years ago and have a happy wedding.