Harry Potter and the mildly bored audience member

I went to see Harry Potter over the weekend.

I had HIGH hopes because a lot of people told me it was the best of the bunch. For me, that wasn’t saying much; the other movies were a little bland and they all seemed very much alike. Obviously, I’m not a fan of the Potter but I don’t hate him so off to the theater I went.

Fifteen minutes into the movie, I felt like I was watching the same old stuff AGAIN. Some magic, some stern professors, Harry finds out something that he shouldn’t, and that old threat, Voldemort was kicking up some dust. The only difference, it seemed, was that the angelic threesome was growing up and they were crazy with hormones. Hermione was jealous, Ron was breakin’ hearts and poor Harry was just trying to get it on with Ron’s sister. It was all a little too much high school at Hogwarts.

And so my mind wandered.

And these were the things I was thinking about …

How much money is Daniel Radcliffe getting for this movie? I wonder if he makes more money than the Queen ...

The producers were damn lucky that Daniel turned out to be a good looking guy. Some cute kid actors turn out to be ugly adults. Danny Bonaduce is an example that comes to mind. Haley Joel Osment has not fared any better.

Who cares about Quidditch? What does this have to do with the story anyway?

Hermione really does have good skin.

Maggie Smith was great in that old movie The Prime of Miss Jean Brody. Let me tell you, Maggie Smith is no longer in her prime but she isn’t afraid to show it.

Hogwarts reminds me a little too much of the Scottish boarding school that I attended when I was a kid. We didn’t have magic but we did have a headmaster who beat us.

You should really wash your face before dining if it is covered in blood.

Jim Broadbent is the best part of this movie.

Harry should snog that kooky blonde chick. Maybe Harry feels differently but that Lion King costume is really doing it for me.

How many more movies are there in this series?

Someone is going to die. Someone is going to die.

The trailer for Where The Wild Things Are looked um, interesting. I’m not sure if this is going to be a kid’s movie? I loved the book and if I looked hard enough, I probably could find it somewhere in my parent’s basement.

Why doesn’t Harry try and get it on with Hermione? Sure they act like brother and sister but that doesn’t appear to be stopping Ron from having semi-comatose fantasies about her.

Speaking of Ron … two women fighting over him? WTF? Do these women have cataracts?

This film is going on way too long and now we are stopping the story to hear a eulogy for a giant spider?

These theater seats really aren’t that comfortable.

The guy beside me is enjoying this way more than I am. He is laughing at the jokes. He has probably read all the books twice.

Why are there Gollums in this movie and where are they taking Harry? Middle Earth probably.

This is the saltiest popcorn I have ever tasted. My mouth tastes like the dead sea.

The horcrux is a pretty cool idea. Where do I find one and how much do they cost?

Someone died. The movie must be over soon. God, I hope this movie is over soon.

Daniel Radcliffe has three expressions; the surprised stare, the intense glare and smiling. Rupert Grint has one expression; dopey.

The end credits are pretty cool. I like the iodine look.

Now let’s get out of here!! Yahoo!