The 80th Academy Awards

When are they going to let me produce the Oscars? I try to give the world so much and in return, I have frustrated ambition.

It’s a sad, sad world.

I would never have let the Oscars be so boring. It’s criminal. Hollywood can put on huge blockbusters with dazzling special effects and yet the night they celebrate ART, they fall to pieces. Maybe that’s the point. Art and Hollywood don’t mix. In the end though, they are congratulating themselves and you think they would do a better job at THAT.

Of course, there were some parts that I enjoyed. Amy Adams bubbling over (as usual) while singing “Happy Working Song”. The incredibly beautiful Marion Cotillard from La Vie en Rose (and the obviously well deserved movie’s award for makeup). The speech about hope for all the struggling artists made by Marketa Irglova from Once. The gospel choir singing Raise It Up from August Rush. Javier Bardem’s passionate thank you to his mother in Spanish. Thankfully, there were enough of these moments throughout the evening to make it bearable.

But this is how it could have been better …

*More nudity. Robert Opel had the right idea when he streaked past David Niven during the 1974 Academy Awards. People are STILL talking about this quick flash and it’s probably the only reason why we remember the 1974 Oscars. Most people want to see Jennifer Garner or Will Smith run bare-ass across the stage but I think seeing a naked Jonah Hill from Superbad would be more of a jolt to those sleepy tv audiences. It would also make people feel better about their own bodies (and who doesn't need that?) so it could double as a public service.

*More eccentric characters. Is this the night when the public actually finds out how BORING the actors and actresses are in real life? They have one chance to really make an impression on millions of people and all these winners can do is a list of thankyous? The public wants outrageousness, something indelible, something theatrical. Well timed tears just aren’t enough. Roberto Benigni didn’t really deserve an oscar for Life is Beautiful but you had to love his breathless speech about making love to everyone in the firmament (or some such thing). Cuba Gooding Jr. should have had his oscar taken away after Boatrip but his excitement after his win for Jerry Maguire made us want to stand up and cheer. Even Jack Palance knew a thing or two about thinking outside the box when he got down and did his one-handed pushups after his win for City Slickers. I suggest that the next best actress should do cartwheels across the stage. In high heels. Wearing a wig. In a low-cut gown. This might require a lot of double-sided tape to keep everything in place but the spectacle would be worth it.

*Use different methods to cut off the long-winded speeches. Why use the nice polite orchestra? People can talk over that anyway. (We’re talking about you, Miss Julia Roberts.) I think feral dogs would be a good substitute. Yes, I know they might make a little mess with the blood and all, but it would certainly bring those laundry list of thankyous to nobody-we-should-care-about to an abrupt end. Best Actors and Actresses should get the most time, probably ten seconds before the dogs come out. Sound Editing people, well, we all know that they have absolutely nothing to say and they aren’t even good looking so the dogs should be let out as soon as they approach the stage.

*More humor. I loved it when Matt Stone and Trey Parker walked down the red carpet in 1999 wearing famous dresses. Bjork obviously had a sense of humor when she sang her nominated song dressed up like a dead muppet swan. Gwenneth Paltrow was damn hysterical in her see-through saggy boob goth dress the year after she looked so serious in her Ralph Lauren number. Yes, we all like the crazy wardrobe choices but I say we should bring back the disastrously funny musical extravaganzas; Rob Lowe and Snow White singing Proud Mary during the 61st Academy Awards was freakin’ hilarious and should be imitated if not recreated entirely. With midgets. Short of that, falling sets and tripping dancers could elevate any musical number, even a ho-hum song from Enchanted NOT sung by Amy Adams. And while we’re on the subject of injecting humor, we need to get rid of Jon Stewart as a host. Yes, he had a lot of good lines (I especially liked the line about Hollywood needing a hug after all the nominated movies being about psychopathic killers) but he seemed way too smug. The best host is funny without “realizing” it. Paging Billy Crystal. Billy, we need you back. Or Whoopi. She did seem aware of how funny she was but I liked the sex jokes. Hmmmm, Billy AND sex jokes. Now there’s a combination.

You see, there ARE ways to improve the show. Make it more entertaining without it being just a way to make a fast buck at the office party oscar pool. (I made a whopping $25 this year). Hollywood just needs to call me. I could make the Oscars bigger than the Superbowl with better commercials.

Get me while I’m cheap. As you can tell, I won’t be for long.

I'm ready for travellin'

This is my suitcase when I go on overnight trips.

I know it's big but I like to be prepared.

ALL ACCESS WEEKEND

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of attending the Sherwood Oaks Experimental College ALL ACCESS WEEKEND at the majestic Beverly Garland Hotel in beautiful North Hollywood. Okay, okay, it wasn’t all access, the hotel wasn’t majestic and NoHo ain’t pretty, but the weekend didn’t disappoint and at less than $200, it was also a bargain.

Sherwood Oaks College has been run by Gary Shusett for over thirty years and I have never met a person so committed to helping aspiring writers. He presides over the events like some grouchy caffeinated uncle trying to keep everyone in line at a drunken family reunion. Everyone does what he says because, deep down, you know he loves you and wants the best for you, even if he doesn’t always show it.

The events started on Friday although I was unable to attend until Saturday because of work commitments. There were probably less than a hundred writers present which made for a very intimate environment and low “student” to “teacher” ratio. There were three panels per day, each made up of different people and roughly grouped according to their profession in Hollywood i.e. the Manager’s panel, the Producer’s panel etc. At the beginning of each panel, the guests introduced themselves, made some brief comments and then for the best part, they were split up and were thrown to a small table of hungry writers. We were able to pick their brains for about ten minutes and then the guests rotated to the next table. Each guest had a large manilla envelope into which you could deposit a business card, synopsis, love letter etc.

It was fascinating to meet such diverse people. There were guests who took ten minutes to answer one question, rambling on like college professors. There were guests who inspired (Mark Skelly, I am in awe of your energy) and guests who wanted to give us a “reality check”. There were two guests whom I thought were drunk (could they possibly be like that all the time?) and one guest talked about his experiences with Native American sexual magic; I believe he had a point, although I forget what it was. Unfortunately, there were a couple of guests who wanted to sell us their book or their course, a problem which has permeated the annual screenwriter’s expo. I believe that, at these events, writers should pitch and not be pitched to.

We were also treated to a visit by the Job Factory, a bunch of six guys who write comedy screenplays as a team. I still don’t know how they do this. C’mon guys, do you REALLY get along? I am a big fan of Rob McKittrick, who wrote and directed Waiting …, his low budget but highly profitable film of the restaurant industry and I caught him after the panel. We chatted about his screenplays and I mentioned that I was a veterinarian. I also mentioned that I knew that he had two Chihuahuas. (Thank you myspace!) This freaked him out (temporarily); I guess it’s a fine line between doing your homework on a person and coming across as a crazed stalker.

On Sunday, we were treated to two excellent speakers. You never know what will come out of Shane Black’s mouth and this time, he asked the audience how many men had prostate problems and then came up with the analogy of …oh, never mind, I think you had to be there. I also enjoyed listening to James Manos, a highly entertaining New Yorker who is the creator of the serial killer series Dexter and said that he gets his writing inspiration from his own life. Uh huh. He also advised us to do drugs. His point did make sense at the time.

The weekend concluded on a strange note. We were treated to a large number of actors at our tables. A few of the actors were well known (in their day) but others had very few credits. Mike Farrell from MASH was there as well as (gasp!) Richard Anderson, the boss from the Six Million Dollar Man. Although it was cool to see them and hear about their experiences, they were more entertaining than educational. (Maybe I was just being greedy after being treated to all the insights from the writers, managers and producers). I was thrilled, however, to meet Beth Grant, a character actress who is such a BITCH in all the films I have seen her in. I told her my opinion of her roles and she assured me that she will be playing a nice mother in her next film. I also told her that she said one of my favorite movie lines of all time which is “I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion!”. If you don’t know, it’s from Donnie Darko and yeah, well, I can’t really explain why I like that line so much. But I do.

All in all, it was a great weekend. I feel inspired and energized. For anyone who is considering going to one of the Sherwood Oaks events, I strongly encourage you to go. The fees are usually quite reasonable and I guarantee that you will make some great contacts, either with a manager or a producer or even a fellow writer. I don’t know how many business cards I collected (there are a lot stuffed in my wallet) but maybe in that stack, there is someone who could change my life. The next event is at the end of April but you can check out other dates at the website http://www.sherwoodoakscollege.com/.

Thanks Gary and good luck to the other people who attended!

The Doo Dah Parade

Transvestite Basset. Big Angry Kitty.

Impressive holiday cleavage. Cute mime.
What no parade should be without.

Last Sunday, I had the great pleasure of attending the Doo Dah parade in Pasadena, California.

The Doo Dah parade is the absurd answer to the formality of the Rose Bowl parade. I think anyone can be a part of it as long as they are a little off center.

This year, The Bastard Sons of Lee Marvin, The BBQ and Hibachi Marching Drill Team, The Men of Leisure Synchronized Nap Team all participated along with disco dancers, draq queens, and Basset Hounds. It was a lot of fun and my pictures give you some idea of the silliness.

I really liked the colorful sheet people in the video below. I don't know why I liked them so much. Maybe it was because they were colorful and they jumped around a lot. I suppose those are good enough reasons.

Mean Animals Suck

Veterinary medicine is not all about cute puppies and loveable kittens. They warn you about that when you first try to get into vet school but there are some people, such as myself, who don’t listen.

And, of course, I found out soon enough that there are some cats and dogs that just suck.

These cats and dogs don’t want to be at the vet clinic. Maybe they thought they were going to visit Aunt Martha? Or the dog park? Maybe they had a bad experience at a vet clinic (getting castrated probably falls under this category) or maybe they just don’t like the smell of the clinic and the other animals. Whatever the reason, these animals turn downright mean.

I can handle the mean cats. Even if they are impossibly feral (and I’ve dealt with a lot of those), I can still sedate them while they are in the carrier and perform any needed task while they are sleepy, or better yet, unconscious. Usually the owners are embarrassed and they are quick to point out that their demonic feline is the perfect angel at home. I believe them. You wake a kitty out of its sublime nap and it’s no wonder why it’s pissed, especially when it finds itself in a new environment with strangers who want to insert thermometers into their rectum.

Dogs, on the other hand, require a different approach. Chihuahuas can be little sharks but they usually only require a large towel and quick reflexes. The bigger dogs require a very careful assessment of the situation. Are they fearful? Are they being dominant? Are they “big talkers” or do they really mean to bite. In most of these situations, a muzzle is required. Yes, I hate muzzles too but they are necessary for those dogs that mean business. I haven’t been bitten in a very long time and I don’t want to break my puncture-free streak now.

Occasionally, there are some dogs that defy even the muzzle. Either they are smart enough to know what a muzzle is (usually from past experience) or we can’t even get close to the dog to put the muzzle on. In both cases, the veterinarian must decide how important it is to deal with the dog. For example, the owner may be able to clean out the ears and administer drops at home so in-clinic treatment may not be necessary. However, there are some dogs that we need to approach and touch and treat and this is where things get tricky.

One such dog was a handsome Shar-Pei. I hesitate to use the word “handsome” because his personality was as black as coal, but on the outside, at least, he was quite attractive. He was lean, had bright eyes and his coat was shiny and blue. He needed vaccines which should have been quite painless. It wasn’t. As soon as he entered the clinic, he became fearful. Extremely fearful and very aggressive. His owner wasn’t any help (she was afraid of him too) and despite our best efforts, we could not make him any less fearful. He lunged at us and it was very apparent that he wanted to eat us for dinner. We made one final attempt; while the dog was held by his collar, my technician was able to grab him around his chest while I tried to give him the vaccines. Instantly, there was a blow-out of stool and urine and anal gland material which went three feet up the wall. The dog turned into a snarling rabid cujo and I was unable to hit the moving target with my vaccines. Fearing that my technician was going to be mauled, I yelled at him to jump back which he did. The Shar-Pei was pissed. Pissed and covered with shit.

I went up to the front desk and told the owner that we weren’t able to give the vaccines (one of which was the rabies vaccine). I told her that she was not welcome to bring the dog back because it was a danger to our staff. She smiled and said that he was the perfect angel at home. I told her that it was obvious the perfect angel should be kept at home.

We brought the dog around to the back of the clinic. We couldn’t even clean it up so we gave him back to the owner with bodily solids and fluids attached. He acted happy when he saw her. I’m glad that he won’t be back. Life is too short to deal with dogs like that. Unfortunately the dog probably thinks that he won the fight. With the next vet, he will probably fight even harder.

Let’s hope he stays healthy for a good looooooooooooooong time.

Conversations with God: Part 1

EXT. GOD’S OFFICE – DAY

Heaven, just as you thought it would be. Lots of white and smoke effects.

DR. PHIL opens the door to the office and finds MARILYN MONROE doing her nails at the receptionist’s desk.

DR. PHIL
Marilyn Monroe? What are you doing here?

MARILYN
God offered me the job. Comes with a lot of perks.

DR. PHIL
Wow, that’s great. How’s the Big Guy doing today?

MARILYN
Oh you know how it is, sweetie. He’s got a stressful job. He can’t be in a good mood all the time.

DR. PHIL
That good vs. evil stuff can give anyone a headache. Can he still see me at 11?

MARILYN
He’ll see you right now. The door to your left.

DR. PHIL
Thanks Mar! Good seeing you.

Dr. Phil walks by Marilyn and pushes through the door to the left.

INT. DARK ROOM – DAY

A single spotlight illuminates Dr. Phil. Otherwise the room is pitch black.

DR. PHIL
God?

A deep masculine voice booms out of the darkness.

GOD
Yes, my son.

DR. PHIL
I thought Jesus was your son.

GOD
Would you like me to call you daughter?

DR. PHIL
Haha. A sense of humor. I like that in a deity. You’re male too. It’s good to know that everything they taught us in Sunday school wasn’t wrong.

GOD
Is there a reason why you’re here today?

DR. PHIL
Uh yeah, I think I’m a failure as a human being and I just wanted your opinion on that.

GOD
What makes you think such self-loathing thoughts?

DR. PHIL
Well, I went shopping at Trader Joe’s today and all of a sudden an elderly lady fell in the parking lot. I saw it out of the corner of my eye so the details are a little blurry as to why she fell but I was the closest person to her and I didn’t know what to do.

GOD
You could have helped her up.

DR. PHIL
I froze. I think I expected her to jump to her feet and be on her merry little way.

GOD
That’s a little difficult with a broken hip.

DR. PHIL
Do you know for a fact that it was broken or are you just guessing?

GOD
Omnipotent beings don’t have to guess.

Dr. Phil rolls his eyes.

DR. PHIL
Anyhoo, a crowd soon gathered and a couple of men helped her up. I pretended that the sale of orchids caught my attention and I hustled into the store.

GOD
You think you’re a failure because of this?

DR. PHIL
It seems to me that I’m lacking some sort of altruistic gene. This bothers me. It should be a core part of every human, don’t you think? Helping others. It should be instinctual. I should have run over and helped her up with dignity and respect.

GOD
You’ll know for next time. Altruism can be an acquired behavior.

DR. PHIL
Okay, I’ll work on it. I’m still feeling guilty about that lady though. Hope she’s alright.

GOD
She’ll meet a nice rich surgeon, they'll get along very well and her family will start paying attention to her again.

DR. PHIL
Geez, maybe I should break a hip. One last question; how come you didn’t throw down a mattress or something cushy to break her fall.

GOD
What? You mean, have a mattress fall out of the sky?

DR. PHIL
Admittedly, it would have looked a little strange but it would have prevented a broken hip.

GOD
I try not to interfere with events on earth although I do like to dabble in American politics every so often.

DR. PHIL
Can’t blame you there. God knows we need some guidance.

GOD
Your time is almost up.

DR. PHIL
Wait, wait. One more thing; what do you think about the Golden Globes being cancelled because of the writer’s strike?

GOD
As I have told many other people, I have no control over the AMPTP. They belong to the dark side.

DR. PHIL
Darnit, I was hoping you could knock a few of them off. Or threaten them with fire and brimstone or something.

GOD
I hate the reruns as much as anyone.

DR. PHIL
That calls for a hi-five but it’s kinda dark in here.

GOD
That’s all the time we have for today. The exit is behind you.

DR. PHIL
Thanks for listening. Catch you next time, Mr. Big Guy.

GOD
Good luck with helping others.

DR. PHIL
You’re the best. We should talk more often.

GOD
I’m always here.

DR. PHIL
Good to know. See ya!


Dr. Phil exits.

I have the flu today and I'm not a happy little camper.

The reasons why I have the stinkin' virus are:

1) I forgot to get my flu shot. (Does this really help? Who knows but it should help in theory)
2) I got very little sleep New Year's Eve and all the days following it.
3) I bite my finger nails.

Yes, I admit it, I bite my fingernails. This is a disgusting habit which I have done my whole life.

I have tried again and again to stop but it's just not possible for me to practice veterinary medicine and not bite my fingernails.

It's just not possible.

If there is ever a deadly virus (as seen in movies like I am Legend), I am done for. I'll be one of the first ones to croak. All because I bite my fingernails.

On that cheery thought, I'm off to get some hot tea.