Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Why I love Bristol Palin

NEW YORK - MAY 6:  (NO SALE, NO ARCHIVE) In th...Image by Getty Images via @daylife

I should stay away from pop culture.  Sure, I don’t mind reading about the people who are obviously very talented but lately, the pop universe has been filled with no-talent, famous-for-being-famous hacks that drive me absolutely bat-shit crazy. 

I’ll leave the Kardashians alone for a moment.  They’re pretty harmless.  And I won’t even go near the Real Housewives because despite the table flipping, they just seem boring.  And the Jersey Shore crowd?  Haven’t they seen their day already?  I think Snooki is even tired of being Snooki. 

But my crosshairs have lately been focused on the most visible single mother in the United States and that, my friends, is none other than Bristol Palin, the daughter of the Number One Mamma Grizzly herself, Sarah Palin. 

A couple of years ago, we didn’t know anything about Bristol although we were already learning way too much about her mother.  Suddenly all that changed with Bristol's appearance on Dancing With the Stars.  Anyone who thinks that Bristol is a “star” better check their Webster dictionary but those little details didn’t matter to tv executives who were eager to sell their souls for better ratings.  Since Sarah Palin is a love-her-or-hate-her kinda gal, the executives were betting that the same opinions would be formed about her daughter … and of course, they were right, especially when she stayed on the dance floor while much better dancers were eliminated before her.  After she was finally given the boot, I think most of us had hoped that her 15 minutes of primetime fame were over. 

But of course they weren't.  She caused a stir in the press when she showed up at an event looking … well, not like Bristol Palin.  She had replace her chubby double chin with a much more narrow one causing everyone to speculate that she had gone under the knife for a little plastic surgery.  Not so, said Palin, she had jaw re-alignment surgery and the procedure had nothing to do with more shallow desires.  She “doesn’t obsess” over her face even though she now wears more makeup than a cover model.  Clearly, Bristol takes after her momma; it doesn’t matter if you tell the truth as long as you tell lies with conviction. 

And now, because Bristol is a single mother and has to make money somehow, she has recently released a memoir, Not Afraid of Life or more appropriated titled, I made a mistake but now I have  cute baby and my mother and God still love me so it’s all good.  I won’t even comment on how ridiculous it is to write a memoir when you’re 20; plenty of other people have covered that territory so I won’t even go there.  What really drives me crazy is how she doesn’t take any responsibility for her actions.  As was widely quoted in the press, she claims that her virginity was “stolen” during a camping trip after Levi plied her with wine coolers.  First of all, how many wine coolers did this chick drink?  30?  Secondly, how could something be stolen when you give it away?  And thirdly, if you didn’t give it away, you were raped which she adamantly denies.  So which is it, Bristol?  Did you give it away willingly (so take some responsibility for your actions) or were you raped?  It has to be one or the other so make up your mind. 

Bristol has said that she wants people to learn from this book.  Learn from her mistakes.  I’m assuming that she’s talking directly to those 15 or 16 year old girls who have got a special twinkle in their eyes for those hunky classmates who sit at the back of the class and dream about hockey and killing wildlife.  The problem is that she doesn’t exactly put her life up as a warning for others about to go down the same road.  Okay, let’s sit back and think about this for a second.  Camping trip with boyfriend but without parents.  Cool!  Getting drunk on wine coolers.  Sounds like fun.  Having sex for the first time.  Awesome!  Having lots more sex after that?  What’s not to like?  Getting pregnant and having cute baby who turns out to be the love of your life?  Hallelujah!!  If I were a fifteen year old girl, I would be wondering what the supposed drawbacks were.  Of course, you might have that pesky gnat of a boyfriend who says mean things about your mother but that seems like a small price to pay when you have cute baby.  Aaaaaaah.  Cute baby. 

The person I feel most sorry for, of course, is the cute baby who will grow up to be a teenager who reads books.  How would you like to know that your mother sold the story of your conception to the highest bidder?  Thank mom!  Now when the high school bullies are pounding my head into the gym locker, I’ll know whom to blame. 

Do I really care what Bristol Palin writes or thinks or does?  Of course, I do.  How can someone like her be paid over $250,000 by a non profit to be a spokesperson to campaign AGAINST teen pregnancy.  Isn’t she the poster child for ADVOCATING teen pregnancy?  All you have to do is have a controversial mother, a deadbeat boyfriend, be willing to spill your private life all over the pages of a supposed memoir and you too will be rich and famous with a CUTE BABY.   

Will the madness ever end?  I really hope so but I fear that it won’t.  Bristol has signed up for a reality show and will try to come off as a do-gooder while she juggles those tough single mother issues like wondering what lip gloss to wear on Good Morning America. 

Maybe I’m taking the wrong approach here.  If there is anything that we should learn from the Palin family, it’s that they seem to become stronger the more insults are thrown their way.  Tough skin has never been so tough.  In fact, I think their skins are more like goddamn moose leather.  Keeping this in mind, I should take the opposite tact.  I should praise Bristol for being such a positive role model for all those teenage girls thinking about getting drunk and ohmygod, lying to their mothers.  And that plastic surgery has really given her a confident glow.  And I do hope she runs for President one day.  She is such a strong, courageous woman who is willing to share her wisdom for the benefit of the ignorant masses.  God bless her. 

And that's why I love her.  

Please buy her book.  She’s a struggling single mother, dontchaknow?  

No comments: