Friday, May 30, 2008

Forget Sarah Marshall

I know it's already been out for a couple of weeks but last night I decided to get my comedy fix by going to see the movie, Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It was playing at the Arclight which is an upscale theater in Sherman Oaks (as well as in Hollywood) where they "elevate" the movie going experience. You get to reserve a specific seat (just like in a real "theatre"), the snacks/food are supposedly of better quality and (this is the best part), an usher announces the name of the movie at the beginning of the show just in case you had no idea what you were about to see.

For all this, you pay $12 which, depending on the movie, can be a bargain or outright thievery.

So there I was, sitting in the dark, the usher had already done his announcing and left and the trailers were finished. I was ready for my movie-going experience with a zen-like calm. All of a sudden a group of people walked in. They were in their twenties with plenty of attitude. This surprised me because usually the Arclight is very strict about latecomers. They were talking really loud and they were told to shut up by someone in the dark. Voices escalated, I heard swearing and then I was SPRAYED with soda.

I turned around and two guys were ready to beat the shit out of each other. The one guy's face was soaking wet, likely from being at the receiving end of the other guy's drink. Their bitches were screaming at them to keep it cool and the one guy was yelling that he wanted to "take it all outside".

Since I had just paid my $12 for a movie (and hence wanted to escape reality in general and specifically the reality unfolding behind me), I tried to focus my attention on the big screen. It was at that moment that the main character decided to drop his towel and pull a full monty. Yes, I was exposed to a larger than life penis belonging to a flabby assed motherfucker. Thank you Jason Segal!

Guys yelling behind me, flying soda, gratuitous male nudity .... how in the hell did I deserve this? For $12!

The guys ended up leaving, I wiped myself off the best I could and thankfully the dick and ball show was very brief. I settled back into my chair.

Unfortunately, the movie was very disappointing ESPECIALLY after a few critics had hailed as an instant comedy classic. (Did they have a cut in the grosses?)

Let me sum it up for you and no, I won't ruin the ending.

There were four main characters.

Peter Bretter (played by Jason Segal); a pathetic emasculated loser.

Sarah Marshall (played by Kristen Bell); certified 100% cheating femalewhore

Aldous Snow (played by Russell Brand); certfied 100% cheating manwhore

Rachel Jansen (played by Mila Kunis); the best part of the movie although her character was WAY too tolerant of the annoying people listed above.

Mila is so beautiful in this movie that it is worth seeing (on some level) for her alone. She really is an exotic beauty and I hope that she makes more movies.

Otherwise, I can't recommend this flick. There is nothing very funny about a dorky guy who needs to grow a set of balls. (Maybe he was trying to prove something by showing them TWICE).

But hey, if you're into unrealistic plot lines, find hairy asses funny and have always wanted to see a movie which ends with a puppet dracula musical, then Forgetting Sarah Marshall may be just your thing.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Kiss me. NOT!

Please choose the correct answer:

This is what happens when:

a) Sparky doesn't floss
b) Sparky doesn't brush for two minutes each day
c) Sparky has never had a full anesthetic dental cleaning

The correct answer is c.

Isn't it always?

Teeth are not supposed to be black and green. A dog's breath may smell but it shouldn't remind you of a septic tank explosion. When a dog eats, he shouldn't have to swallow food AND pus.

If you are a dog owner, part of that responsibility is to look after its teeth. Take a look in your pet's mouth (but only if you trust that he won't remove a finger) and trust me when I say that the teeth shouldn't look like slimy green pebbles.

Better yet, keep up with your pet's annual examination and your vet will look at the teeth for you. If he or she recommends a dental cleaning, then schedule it for the sake of your pet's health.

It will cost a couple hundred dollars for a full ANESTHETIC cleaning (a lot more if there are extractions) but it will be worth it. Your pet will live longer and be much, much happier and healthier.

Don't believe in those non-anesthetic teeth cleanings. There is no way that your groomer, neighbor, dog trainer or anyone else is going to do a thorough job with the cleaning. They will not be able to clean the inside of the teeth or underneath the gumline even with the most well behaved of dogs. If you do an anesthesia-free cleaning, then you are not only wasting your money but you are putting your pet's health in jeopardy.

Anesthesia is very safe for pets these days (but also remember you get what you pay for) and a healthy mouth is worth the minimal risk.

And if you don't keep up with the cleanings, then your pet's mouth could end up looking like the picture above.

Hope he doesn't lick your face.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

The ongoing adventures of MANGO

If you don't already know, Mango is our geriatric clinic cat who haunts our halls. He is generally grouchy and now he has a reason.

One of our kennel technicians decided it would be a good idea to color him red with a special pet dye.

The only problem was that he turned out pink. Bright freakin' pink.

I thought it was funny but our boss was NOT amused. Thankfully the color will wash out in a couple of weeks and Mango will be back to the regular programming.

For those who are interested, there are other pet dyes available. Green, purple, and blue. It seems quite festive and I don't see why Mango would object to celebrating each holiday with a different shade.

Red Rock Canyon

Most people think that Las Vegas is all about casinos and money. They have no idea that the area around Vegas can be quite beautiful with its stark desert landscape.

These are recent pictures taken in Red Rock Canyon, which is now so close to the outskirts of Las Vegas that it could be considered part of the city.

You can double click on the pictures for a larger view.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Happy Anniversary to me!

It’s been TWO years since I moved to Los Angeles from Las Vegas. Goshdarnit, I can scarcely believe it.

And so, being the analytical creature that I am, I wanted to make sure I am on track with all my goals.

Here is the list of all the things I wanted to do and whether I have achieved them.

* Overcome fear of parallel parking in tight spots ....not achieved.

* Overcome fear of driving in Los Angeles ....not achieved.

* Overcome fear of living in Los Angeles ....not achieved. But maybe soon.

* Allowed past a velvet rope and welcomed into a VIP area of nightclub ....not achieved.

* Walked past VIP area of nightclub ....achieved!

* Partied with hookers ....not achieved.

* Done blow with hookers ....not achieved.

* Eaten sushi with hookers ....not achieved.

* Eaten sushi ....achieved!

* Photographed with baby for cover of People magazine ....not achieved.

* Photographed naked for Vanity Fair ....not achieved. Yet.

* Photographed in suggestive poses with Hannah Montana for Vanity Fair ....not achieved.

* Photographed with Disney character ....achieved! There wasn't much of a line for Piglet.

* Inappropriately fondled by Disney character ....achieved! Baloo was a bad bear. Tsk. Tsk.

* Dated A list celebrity ....not achieved.

* Dated B, D or D list celebrity ....not achieved.

* Spotted celebrity ....achieved! I saw Buster from Arrested Development in a coffee shop once.

* Driven a Bentley ....not achieved.

* Driven a BMW ....not achieved.

* Driven a 1997 Chrysler Sebring with a large scratch on windshield ....achieved. Every day!

* Sold screenplay ....not achieved.

* Met someone who has sold a screenplay ....achieved! Paul Haggis is from my hometown. :)

* Fantasize about selling a screenplay ....achieved. Every day!

* Dropped names ....achieved! Did I mention Paul Haggis and Buster?

* Hiked to Hollywood sign ....achieved!

* Urinated near Hollywood sign ....achieved! (But I was discrete.)

* Pooped near Hollywood sign ....not achieved. May be more of a metaphorical goal.

* Pooped in Hollywood ....achieved! Hollywood and Highland complex.

* Bought $40 T-shirt ....achieved!

* Bought $200 jeans ....not achieved.

* Touched someone who was wearing $200 jeans. Quite possibly.

* Had a romantic breakfast at the Bel Air hotel ....not achieved.

* Had a power lunch at the Polo Lounge with head of studio ....not achieved.

* Had a power lunch at the Polo Lounge with someone who works at studio ....not achieved.

* Had a power lunch ....not achieved.

* Had power nap ....achieved! Just this afternoon!

Okay, now we tally it all up to see how well I am doing.

Achieved 14

Not achieved 21

I suppose that isn't bad but I'll have to work harder. Put my nose to the grindstone. Put myself out there. Make sure people know I want it.

L.A., I can conquer you yet!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

America's next dog model

It was a slow day at work so .....

I decided to get out my camera and film Dusty during his grooming.

This is Dusty pretending to be in a 50s soda shop enhanced by a backdrop of English country flowers.

Aquamarine is never a good color but Dusty pulls it off. He is now ready for your ugly sister's wedding.

Look at the camera, Dusty. Don't be a diva!

Dusty feels as free as a canary with this subtle accent. If you look closely, you can see the diamond which makes him feel important and handsome.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Hurray for Hollywood

The most well known symbol of Los Angeles is probably the Hollywood sign. It was originally built to advertise a housing development in the hills and was officially dedicated in 1923.

Although it is viewable from many areas of L.A., it is a little tricky to find the trail head leading up to it.

Tricky but not impossible.

Even though I live here, it's fun to act like a stupid tourist.

It took about half an hour to climb to the top of the hill, just above the sign. You can't get right to the sign because of a tall fence and threats of fines.

Apparently they want to end vandalism to the landmark. Over the years, the sign has been transformed into HOLYWOOD, HOLLYWEED, GO UCLA, and even OIL WAR. Such creativity was frowned upon and a high tech surveillance system was installed.

This is the view from the top. You can just make out the letters behind me.

My friend is less impressed with Hollywood than what I am.

The view was absolutely spectacular. On a clear day you can see forever.

The plants were growing right into the rock. You see, even the flora must struggle to survive in this damn place.