Thursday, November 22, 2007

My Top Ten Sexiest Movie Scenes

I saw Beowulf this past weekend. Didn't have a lot of expectations because after all, it was computer generated

BUT

day-yum, those were some good looking digital characters. (Waaaaaaay better looking than Shrek and Fiona on bath day.) On top of an interesting story line, fast-paced action and a great message, Beowulf contained one of the sexiest scenes I have seen in a long time. I could barely contain my excitement when I heard that the movie can also be viewed in 3-D. 3-D! You gotta love technology.

So, after my hormones calmed down, I decided to make a list of my top nine sexiest movie scenes of all time. (Why nine? It's late and I want to get to bed) They are in no particular order; I could barely decide on nine so putting them in some sort of rank would require too much effort.

Here you are, you horn dogs, but beware, there may be SPOILERS.

Beowulf Grendel's mother, played by Angelina Jolie, has to be the sexiest MILF since we were introduced to Stifler's mom in American Pie. We hear the exotic purr of her voice early in the movie but we have to wait until the midpoint to see her emerge naked from a shimmering pool of water. Although Beowulf has come to kill her, with that kind of reception, he quickly changes his mind. Can you blame the guy? She's dripping with liquid gold and caresses his large phallic sword for godsakes! Unfortunately, the offspring of this blissful reunion isn't quite as attractive as his god-like parents.

Beowulf [Blu-ray]

Leaving Las Vegas You might think that this "love story" between a beat-up hooker and a suicidal drunk is as sexy as a bad hangover, but it contains a scene which tender, romantic and erotic. Sera, played by Elizabeth Shue invites Ben to go out to a desert motel to escape the dreariness of their Las Vegas lives. With the jazzy vocals of Sting and Don Henley floating in the background, they share a slo-mo kiss underwater which progresses to a make-out session by the pool. Sera pulls down her bathing suit top, dribbles whiskey down her naked breasts which Ben, the waste-not want-not drunk, gratefully licks up. It's a beautiful scene which depicts how their love for each other is based on getting their own needs accepted. Unfortunately for them, just moments later, everything literally comes crashing down.

Leaving Las Vegas

Betty Blue If you have ever seen this French masterpiece by Jean-Jacques Beineix, I think you'll agree that the movie has it's unforgettable moments but the opening seen is the sexiest. The camera slowly pans in on an attractive naked couple as they writhe and groan and climax simultaneously. It's a graphic scene even by French standards and the topper is the the first line of voice-over, "I had only known Betty for one week". Such passion (and nudity) is displayed throughout the film but, true to it's French cinematic roots, it wasn't going to last forever.

Betty Blue (Unrated Director's Cut)

Monster This may be an unconventional choice but the make-out scene outside the roller-rink between the bull-dyke Aileen (played brilliantly by Charlize Theron) and the schoolboyish Selby (played by Christina Ricci) gets my vote for the hottest lesbian scene. Okay, these characters aren't attractive (see Neve Campbell and Denise Richard's scene in Wild Things if you care about such things) but the emotions are so raw and desperate that the scene transcends Aileen's and Selby's, well, fugliness. The pounding soundtrack, Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'", only makes it better.

Monster

Body Heat This Lawrence Kasdan scorcher has all the ingredients for a great film noir; a shady lawyer, a femme fatale and a rich husband who is "in the way". There are many great scenes but my favorite has to be at the husband's house after Mattie invites the lawyer to come view her wind chimes and "that's all". The husband is out of town, of course, and Mattie dangles the possibility of sex in front of the lawyer but just as quickly, yanks it away. She finally dismisses him by saying, "I'm weak", kisses him and shuts the door. But she doesn't move. She just stands there in the hall, staring out. The lawyer, like a tiger going after its prey, reads between the lines, realizes that she does want it after all, smashes through the window and lays her right there on the carpet. Bonus points for Kathleen Turner's incredible body and sultry voice and William Hurt's oily swagger.

Body Heat (Deluxe Edition)

Mr. and Mrs. Smith Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt as (improbable) husband-wife assassins turned up the thermostat, but audiences got the special treat of seeing Angelina dressed up in full dominatrix gear whipping a hand-cuffed half-naked man. Sure, the scene didn't have a lot to do with the plot but those three minutes probably improved the box office gross by 20 or 30 million. The whipped guy looked like he enjoyed it as much as we did, until, well, his neck was snapped by Miss Nasty. But at least he died happy. Honorable mention is the scene where Angelina and Brad try to kill each other and then have crazy sex on the floor. Nothing like attempted murder to increase the libido!

Mr. & Mrs. Smith (Widescreen Edition)

Rules of Attraction A very un-pc choice in a dark, angst-filled movie but it made me a fan of Jessica Biel forever. She dances in her lavender bra and panties down a college hallway, blitzed out of her mind, swinging bottles of alcohol in each hand and disappears into a dorm room surrounded by football players. Paaaaaaar-tay! The voice-over says "I"m told that after I left Camden, she got really drunk, went wandering through Wyndham house and did the whole football team." Jessica's 7th Heaven family would not be proud, but I, for one, am glad that she took one (or several) for the team.

The Rules of Attraction

Flashdance Whatever happened to the break-out star of 1983, Jennifer Beals? With her wide-eyed innocence and her tough interior, did it really matter if she didn't do all her own dancing? In one of the earlier scenes, we see Miss Beals strut her stuff in a business suit and high heels on a very shiny-stage as the song "He's a Dream" plays in the background. As her (clueless) boss watches and salivates, she kicks up the heat and strips down to her lingerie and finally douses the flames by pulling on a cord which soaks her stream-lined back-lit body. Like most of the above movies, Flashdance had its share of smaller erotic moments and in hope that life will imitate art, I'm still waiting for someone to stick their foot into my groin during a meal in a fancy restaurant.

Flashdance

Blue Velvet You never know what you'll get with David Lynch but after seeing Blue Velvet many years ago, it has stuck with me like a strange nightmare. It's hard to sum up this movie because the tone seems to be more important than the actual plot, but it involves an innocent teenager who gets caught up in the seedy underbelly of a beautiful torch singer's life. The first time they meet each other, he gets caught in her apartment and she forces him to get undressed at knife point. (erotic) Then she gets raped by a crazy gas-huffing mama's boy while the teenager watches from a closet. (not erotic). After the mama's boy leaves, the teenager consoles her by holding her wounded body and she allows him to touch her breast and nipple. (erotic) She then wants him to beat her. (not erotic). He rushes out of the apartment as she whispers "help me". (not erotic; a little pathetic). It's a bizarre ride but if that's what you're in the mood for on a Saturday night, then this quaint family pic will do the trick.

Blue Velvet (Special Edition)

Okay, so there's nine. Maybe tomorrow I'll think of number ten.

Sweet dreams.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Adopt me (if you can)

This is the dog that I tried to adopt for my brother's family last week. She was a two year old female spayed something that had been rescued by a group that shall remain nameless.

I had known her for over a month and had personally taken her on walks and even long hikes. I had seen how she interacted with strangers as well as other dogs. She seemed wonderful and I thought she would be the perfect fit for my brother's family. They have a large enclosed backyard and my sister-in-law's full time job was raising my four year old niece.

Call me naive but I expected the rescue group just to hand the dog over to me. After all, I had a good relationship with them and they trusted me to treat their other animals (both medically and surgically) so you would think that they trusted me to find one of their pets a good home.

Wrong!

Their first request was that they have my brother fill out an application form. I can't reproduce the entire form here (that would take up WAY too much space) so I've decided to make up my own form which shows you the spirit of the original.

DOG APPLICATION

Name: ____________ Date of Birth:____________ Occupation:_______________

Personal References: (provide at least 10; more if you have not known these references for at least 25 years)

Who shares your household: (Check one) Spouse___ Significant Other____ Roommate____ Live in____ 

Unemployed relative____ One armed sociopath____ Republican____

If Republican was checked, please indicate how strong their beliefs are from 1 to 10. (10 being the strongest)

If your present situation were to change, with whom will the dog remain: (Check one) Deadbeat spouse____ Insignificant Other____ Irresponsible Roomate who didn't clean up after himself/herself____ Welfare relative who is waiting for mama to die____ One armed sociopath____ Republican____

What happened to your previous family pets? (Check all that apply) Got out, terrorized the neighborhood and never saw him/her since____ Urinated on new fabric couch and never saw him/her since____ Father gave pork-bone, coughed up a lot of blood and never saw him/her since____ Developed cancer, was lovingly treated with my parent's life-savings and we had him/her freeze-dried____

Why do you want a dog? (Check all that apply) Companion____ Companion for other pet____ Show children the facts of life____ Mouser____ Dog fighting____ Get a hot date____ Be a substitute for a hot date____

Which do you live in? (Check one) House____ Condo____ Apartment marked for demolition____ Cardboard box____

Do you have a gardener, house keeper or pool cleaner? If not, please explain. If yes, please indicate if you are currently in an intimate relationship with him.

If you go on vacation, who will care for your dog? (Check one) House sitter____ Veterinarian____ Kennel____ Teenage son____ Meth lab next door____ Can't afford vacation or possibly even dog food____

Will you keep your dog's vaccinations up to date? (Check all that apply) Yes____ No____

Which of the following would force you to give up your dog? (Check all that apply) Barfs on carpet____ Pees on carpet____ Eats carpet____ Eats small children____ Tries to eat small children____ Humps furniture____ Humps legs of older relatives____ Humps anything that is stationary____ Excessive saliva____ Excessive gas____ Excessive vet bills____ Any vet bills____ Doesn't match home decor____ Destroys home decor____ Barks____ Barks when bored____ Barks at neighbors____ Barks at wealthy frail relatives____ Develops parvo____ Develops Distemper____ Develops Rabies and children are scared of foaming mouth____ Begging at dinner table____ Begging to come indoors____ Begging for attention____ Inappropriate erections____ Appropriate erections____ Suspect dog is stupid____ Suspect dog is insane___ Suspect dog is possessed____ Suspect dog was dropped on head when was a puppy____ Suspect dog should have been eaten by mother when was a puppy____ No longer want a dog____ Never really wanted a dog____ Didn't realize you had to feed dog____ Didn't realize dog would pass stool____ Didn't realize dog would eat stool____ Really wanted a cat ____

Who is your veterinarian? Do you trust him/her? Please explain.

What method do you intend to use to housetrain your dog? (Check all that apply) Crate training____ Begging and pleading____ Electroshock____

Are you willing to allow a representative from our rescue group to inspect your residence? If no, why the hell not? Please explain. (Minimum 3 pages required for explanation)

Have you tried to adopt a dog in the past? If yes, please indicate why you were denied. (Check all that apply) No idea____ No clue____ I have a large horn growing out of my forehead____

I understand that filling out this application does not guarantee the adoption of a pet by our rescue organization.

Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for us to do background and credit checks. If you are an illegal alien, please allow more time.

I agree that all of the above information is honest and true.

Signature

And guess what, my brother was DENIED!

Monday, November 12, 2007


Rejection is part of writing. Hollywood is especially good at giving out rejection. There is a big table but they don't want YOU (or me) to eat at it.

People tell me that I should be thick skinned. I shouldn't worry what other people think. It's only one person's opinion. Believe in myself. Keep a stiff upper lip. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I've always thought that what doesn't kill you leaves you pretty fucked up.

Rejection still hurts. It stings. I'm not a person boiling over in self-confidence so reading a scathing review of my latest screenplay took me down a couple of hard-earned notches.

The only way I deal with rejection is by getting it out in the open. Telling other people about it. Hearing their sad stories in return. It seems to take the bitter taste away. That's why I'm giving you a glimpse of what I had to read recently about my script.

"Premise is flimsy, plot development is awkward and problematic and ending is weak and disappointing."

"The humor is one note and is often more crude than it is funny."

"Jay, on the other hand, is not a particularly likeable or sympathetic character. He is clearly meant to be a “wild and crazy guy” type-character – saying and doing many wild things with an earthy, irreverent attitude. In execution, however, he comes across as being more crude and boorish than wild and crazy. "

"The rest of the characters are all well enough presented, although none of them are particularly well developed and thus come off as little more than “types.”

"What non-gay panic humor the script has -- which consists of some jokes about heterosexual sex and a lot of bodily function humor -- is more crude than it is funny. "

Say what? Bodily function humor isn't funny???

"The dialogue is serviceable, but as most of it serves to deliver the humor mentioned above, it suffers from the same problem in that it tends to be all rather stale and one-note."

"From a commercial point of view, the script is also problematic because, although its premise is different, it covers much of the same ground as the recent I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, which may lessen its appeal to potential buyers."

Being compared to a movie which grossed over $100 million is a BAD thing??

And to top it off, I paid $200 for this priviledge. People have told me that I should never pay to have someone read my script and this was a good lesson to learn.

I would have felt marginally better if someone had hated it for free.

Onward and upward!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

No Dali


I had the afternoon free today so I decided to increase my cultural awareness and see the Dali exhibit at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art. (LACMA)

When I got there, they told me it was a MEMBERS ONLY day. It was kinda like showing up at a L.A. club, finding out about the velvet rope and being told I wasn't dressed right. The options were: Go to another museum (Folk Art or the Holocaust??) or sign up for a membership at the cost of $75.

Don't get me wrong. I love Dali. I even own a Dali but $75 is a meal at a good restaurant so I decided to see the next door attraction to the LACMA which is the LA BREA TAR PITS.

This was free but barely worth what I paid for it. There is tar. There is a big pit. Occasionally, it gurgles and belches. And, true to Hollywood, it even has a recreation of mammoths getting trapped in it.

The picture above is a recreation of the mother DYING as the father and their son watch helplessly. That is the description on the plaque. Mother is dying. Being sucked down into black goo for eternity or at least until someone excavates her.

I was worried that all the school children would be traumatized from this visual. But maybe they didn't care.

Children are so desensitized these days.