Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Adopt me (if you can)

This is the dog that I tried to adopt for my brother's family last week. She was a two year old female spayed something that had been rescued by a group that shall remain nameless.

I had known her for over a month and had personally taken her on walks and even long hikes. I had seen how she interacted with strangers as well as other dogs. She seemed wonderful and I thought she would be the perfect fit for my brother's family. They have a large enclosed backyard and my sister-in-law's full time job was raising my four year old niece.

Call me naive but I expected the rescue group just to hand the dog over to me. After all, I had a good relationship with them and they trusted me to treat their other animals (both medically and surgically) so you would think that they trusted me to find one of their pets a good home.


Their first request was that they have my brother fill out an application form. I can't reproduce the entire form here (that would take up WAY too much space) so I've decided to make up my own form which shows you the spirit of the original.


Name: ____________ Date of Birth:____________ Occupation:_______________

Personal References: (provide at least 10; more if you have not known these references for at least 25 years)

Who shares your household: (Check one) Spouse___ Significant Other____ Roommate____ Live in____ 

Unemployed relative____ One armed sociopath____ Republican____

If Republican was checked, please indicate how strong their beliefs are from 1 to 10. (10 being the strongest)

If your present situation were to change, with whom will the dog remain: (Check one) Deadbeat spouse____ Insignificant Other____ Irresponsible Roomate who didn't clean up after himself/herself____ Welfare relative who is waiting for mama to die____ One armed sociopath____ Republican____

What happened to your previous family pets? (Check all that apply) Got out, terrorized the neighborhood and never saw him/her since____ Urinated on new fabric couch and never saw him/her since____ Father gave pork-bone, coughed up a lot of blood and never saw him/her since____ Developed cancer, was lovingly treated with my parent's life-savings and we had him/her freeze-dried____

Why do you want a dog? (Check all that apply) Companion____ Companion for other pet____ Show children the facts of life____ Mouser____ Dog fighting____ Get a hot date____ Be a substitute for a hot date____

Which do you live in? (Check one) House____ Condo____ Apartment marked for demolition____ Cardboard box____

Do you have a gardener, house keeper or pool cleaner? If not, please explain. If yes, please indicate if you are currently in an intimate relationship with him.

If you go on vacation, who will care for your dog? (Check one) House sitter____ Veterinarian____ Kennel____ Teenage son____ Meth lab next door____ Can't afford vacation or possibly even dog food____

Will you keep your dog's vaccinations up to date? (Check all that apply) Yes____ No____

Which of the following would force you to give up your dog? (Check all that apply) Barfs on carpet____ Pees on carpet____ Eats carpet____ Eats small children____ Tries to eat small children____ Humps furniture____ Humps legs of older relatives____ Humps anything that is stationary____ Excessive saliva____ Excessive gas____ Excessive vet bills____ Any vet bills____ Doesn't match home decor____ Destroys home decor____ Barks____ Barks when bored____ Barks at neighbors____ Barks at wealthy frail relatives____ Develops parvo____ Develops Distemper____ Develops Rabies and children are scared of foaming mouth____ Begging at dinner table____ Begging to come indoors____ Begging for attention____ Inappropriate erections____ Appropriate erections____ Suspect dog is stupid____ Suspect dog is insane___ Suspect dog is possessed____ Suspect dog was dropped on head when was a puppy____ Suspect dog should have been eaten by mother when was a puppy____ No longer want a dog____ Never really wanted a dog____ Didn't realize you had to feed dog____ Didn't realize dog would pass stool____ Didn't realize dog would eat stool____ Really wanted a cat ____

Who is your veterinarian? Do you trust him/her? Please explain.

What method do you intend to use to housetrain your dog? (Check all that apply) Crate training____ Begging and pleading____ Electroshock____

Are you willing to allow a representative from our rescue group to inspect your residence? If no, why the hell not? Please explain. (Minimum 3 pages required for explanation)

Have you tried to adopt a dog in the past? If yes, please indicate why you were denied. (Check all that apply) No idea____ No clue____ I have a large horn growing out of my forehead____

I understand that filling out this application does not guarantee the adoption of a pet by our rescue organization.

Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for us to do background and credit checks. If you are an illegal alien, please allow more time.

I agree that all of the above information is honest and true.


And guess what, my brother was DENIED!

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