Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The Doo Dah Parade

Transvestite Basset. Big Angry Kitty.

Impressive holiday cleavage. Cute mime.
What no parade should be without.
Last Sunday, I had the great pleasure of attending the Doo Dah parade in Pasadena, California.


The Doo Dah parade is the absurd answer to the formality of the Rose Bowl parade. I think anyone can be a part of it as long as they are a little off center.


This year, The Bastard Sons of Lee Marvin, The BBQ and Hibachi Marching Drill Team, The Men of Leisure Synchronized Nap Team all participated along with disco dancers, draq queens, and Basset Hounds. It was a lot of fun and my pictures give you some idea of the silliness.


I really liked the colorful sheet people in the video below. I don't know why I liked them so much. Maybe it was because they were colorful and they jumped around a lot. I suppose those are good enough reasons.



video

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Mean Animals Suck

video

Veterinary medicine is not all about cute puppies and loveable kittens. They warn you about that when you first try to get into vet school but there are some people, such as myself, who don’t listen.

And, of course, I found out soon enough that there are some cats and dogs that just suck.

These cats and dogs don’t want to be at the vet clinic. Maybe they thought they were going to visit Aunt Martha? Or the dog park? Maybe they had a bad experience at a vet clinic (getting castrated probably falls under this category) or maybe they just don’t like the smell of the clinic and the other animals. Whatever the reason, these animals turn downright mean.

I can handle the mean cats. Even if they are impossibly feral (and I’ve dealt with a lot of those), I can still sedate them while they are in the carrier and perform any needed task while they are sleepy, or better yet, unconscious. Usually the owners are embarrassed and they are quick to point out that their demonic feline is the perfect angel at home. I believe them. You wake a kitty out of its sublime nap and it’s no wonder why it’s pissed, especially when it finds itself in a new environment with strangers who want to insert thermometers into their rectum.

Dogs, on the other hand, require a different approach. Chihuahuas can be little sharks but they usually only require a large towel and quick reflexes. The bigger dogs require a very careful assessment of the situation. Are they fearful? Are they being dominant? Are they “big talkers” or do they really mean to bite. In most of these situations, a muzzle is required. Yes, I hate muzzles too but they are necessary for those dogs that mean business. I haven’t been bitten in a very long time and I don’t want to break my puncture-free streak now.

Occasionally, there are some dogs that defy even the muzzle. Either they are smart enough to know what a muzzle is (usually from past experience) or we can’t even get close to the dog to put the muzzle on. In both cases, the veterinarian must decide how important it is to deal with the dog. For example, the owner may be able to clean out the ears and administer drops at home so in-clinic treatment may not be necessary. However, there are some dogs that we need to approach and touch and treat and this is where things get tricky.

One such dog was a handsome Shar-Pei. I hesitate to use the word “handsome” because his personality was as black as coal, but on the outside, at least, he was quite attractive. He was lean, had bright eyes and his coat was shiny and blue. He needed vaccines which should have been quite painless. It wasn’t. As soon as he entered the clinic, he became fearful. Extremely fearful and very aggressive. His owner wasn’t any help (she was afraid of him too) and despite our best efforts, we could not make him any less fearful. He lunged at us and it was very apparent that he wanted to eat us for dinner. We made one final attempt; while the dog was held by his collar, my technician was able to grab him around his chest while I tried to give him the vaccines. Instantly, there was a blow-out of stool and urine and anal gland material which went three feet up the wall. The dog turned into a snarling rabid cujo and I was unable to hit the moving target with my vaccines. Fearing that my technician was going to be mauled, I yelled at him to jump back which he did. The Shar-Pei was pissed. Pissed and covered with shit.

I went up to the front desk and told the owner that we weren’t able to give the vaccines (one of which was the rabies vaccine). I told her that she was not welcome to bring the dog back because it was a danger to our staff. She smiled and said that he was the perfect angel at home. I told her that it was obvious the perfect angel should be kept at home.

We brought the dog around to the back of the clinic. We couldn’t even clean it up so we gave him back to the owner with bodily solids and fluids attached. He acted happy when he saw her. I’m glad that he won’t be back. Life is too short to deal with dogs like that. Unfortunately the dog probably thinks that he won the fight. With the next vet, he will probably fight even harder.

Let’s hope he stays healthy for a good looooooooooooooong time.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Conversations with God: Part 1


EXT. GOD’S OFFICE – DAY

Heaven, just as you thought it would be. Lots of white and smoke effects.

DR. PHIL opens the door to the office and finds MARILYN MONROE doing her nails at the receptionist’s desk.

DR. PHIL
Marilyn Monroe? What are you doing here?

MARILYN
God offered me the job. Comes with a lot of perks.

DR. PHIL
Wow, that’s great. How’s the Big Guy doing today?

MARILYN
Oh you know how it is, sweetie. He’s got a stressful job. He can’t be in a good mood all the time.

DR. PHIL
That good vs. evil stuff can give anyone a headache. Can he still see me at 11?

MARILYN
He’ll see you right now. The door to your left.

DR. PHIL
Thanks Mar! Good seeing you.

Dr. Phil walks by Marilyn and pushes through the door to the left.

INT. DARK ROOM – DAY

A single spotlight illuminates Dr. Phil. Otherwise the room is pitch black.

DR. PHIL
God?

A deep masculine voice booms out of the darkness.

GOD
Yes, my son.

DR. PHIL
I thought Jesus was your son.

GOD
Would you like me to call you daughter?

DR. PHIL
Haha. A sense of humor. I like that in a deity. You’re male too. It’s good to know that everything they taught us in Sunday school wasn’t wrong.

GOD
Is there a reason why you’re here today?

DR. PHIL
Uh yeah, I think I’m a failure as a human being and I just wanted your opinion on that.

GOD
What makes you think such self-loathing thoughts?

DR. PHIL
Well, I went shopping at Trader Joe’s today and all of a sudden an elderly lady fell in the parking lot. I saw it out of the corner of my eye so the details are a little blurry as to why she fell but I was the closest person to her and I didn’t know what to do.

GOD
You could have helped her up.

DR. PHIL
I froze. I think I expected her to jump to her feet and be on her merry little way.

GOD
That’s a little difficult with a broken hip.

DR. PHIL
Do you know for a fact that it was broken or are you just guessing?

GOD
Omnipotent beings don’t have to guess.

Dr. Phil rolls his eyes.

DR. PHIL
Anyhoo, a crowd soon gathered and a couple of men helped her up. I pretended that the sale of orchids caught my attention and I hustled into the store.

GOD
You think you’re a failure because of this?

DR. PHIL
It seems to me that I’m lacking some sort of altruistic gene. This bothers me. It should be a core part of every human, don’t you think? Helping others. It should be instinctual. I should have run over and helped her up with dignity and respect.

GOD
You’ll know for next time. Altruism can be an acquired behavior.

DR. PHIL
Okay, I’ll work on it. I’m still feeling guilty about that lady though. Hope she’s alright.

GOD
She’ll meet a nice rich surgeon, they'll get along very well and her family will start paying attention to her again.

DR. PHIL
Geez, maybe I should break a hip. One last question; how come you didn’t throw down a mattress or something cushy to break her fall.

GOD
What? You mean, have a mattress fall out of the sky?

DR. PHIL
Admittedly, it would have looked a little strange but it would have prevented a broken hip.

GOD
I try not to interfere with events on earth although I do like to dabble in American politics every so often.

DR. PHIL
Can’t blame you there. God knows we need some guidance.

GOD
Your time is almost up.

DR. PHIL
Wait, wait. One more thing; what do you think about the Golden Globes being cancelled because of the writer’s strike?

GOD
As I have told many other people, I have no control over the AMPTP. They belong to the dark side.

DR. PHIL
Darnit, I was hoping you could knock a few of them off. Or threaten them with fire and brimstone or something.

GOD
I hate the reruns as much as anyone.

DR. PHIL
That calls for a hi-five but it’s kinda dark in here.

GOD
That’s all the time we have for today. The exit is behind you.

DR. PHIL
Thanks for listening. Catch you next time, Mr. Big Guy.

GOD
Good luck with helping others.

DR. PHIL
You’re the best. We should talk more often.

GOD
I’m always here.

DR. PHIL
Good to know. See ya!


Dr. Phil exits.

Monday, January 7, 2008


I have the flu today and I'm not a happy little camper.

The reasons why I have the stinkin' virus are:

1) I forgot to get my flu shot. (Does this really help? Who knows but it should help in theory)
2) I got very little sleep New Year's Eve and all the days following it.
3) I bite my finger nails.

Yes, I admit it, I bite my fingernails. This is a disgusting habit which I have done my whole life.

I have tried again and again to stop but it's just not possible for me to practice veterinary medicine and not bite my fingernails.

It's just not possible.

If there is ever a deadly virus (as seen in movies like I am Legend), I am done for. I'll be one of the first ones to croak. All because I bite my fingernails.

On that cheery thought, I'm off to get some hot tea.