I am soooo tired of my own cooking that I have decided to eat out more.
This is all fine and dandy except that I eat alone. Not by choice. I don't choose to be a loser; I just am. But that's for another column.
My dilemma is this; what to do while I'm eating in my lonely little corner of misery?
Here are the options:
- Read the menu over and over. I try to memorize the prices and make a mental note to look up weird foodie terms like "fricassee" and "tartare".
- Stare at people. If they stare back, I pick another table, preferably with a baby. Or, if I'm in a particularly weird mood, I'll narrow my eyes to slits and pretend that something doesn't look right on someone's face. Staring at the waitstaff is no fun; they'll think I want something and then when I do, they'll ignore me.
- Bring a book and read it. This always seems so studious. If I wanted to look that way, I should just sneak a sandwich into a library.
- Pretend I'm thinking about something, anything. My mind is usually quite blank so this gets boring very quickly. I end up staring at a table next to me, even if it's empty.
- Eat. I suppose this is one option. But it's kinda like sitting on the toilet to take a shit.
- Snort cocaine. This never goes over very well. In L.A. everyone wants their share.
- Practice writing your name with your left hand backwards on the paper covering the table. This only goes over if you're in a pseudo-Italian restaurant with annoying opera singers.
- Call someone on my cell phone. This is frowned upon by the waitstaff as well as by other diners. I don't know why. It makes me feel important and social.
- Talk to myself. I suppose this is alright in this day and age. People tend to think you have a cell phone attached somewhere.
- Play solitaire on the cell phone. This is even more pathetic than eating alone. However, if I'm really tired and all of the above just ain't working, this may be the only option.
I'm planning on eating out tomorrow night by myself. I can't wait to try out some new ideas!