My Top Ten Sexiest Movie Scenes

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Adopt me (if you can)

This is the dog that I tried to adopt for my brother's family last week. She was a two year old female spayed something that had been rescued by a group that shall remain nameless.

I had known her for over a month and had personally taken her on walks and even long hikes. I had seen how she interacted with strangers as well as other dogs. She seemed wonderful and I thought she would be the perfect fit for my brother's family. They have a large enclosed backyard and my sister-in-law's full time job was raising my four year old niece.

Call me naive but I expected the rescue group just to hand the dog over to me. After all, I had a good relationship with them and they trusted me to treat their other animals (both medically and surgically) so you would think that they trusted me to find one of their pets a good home.

Wrong!

Their first request was that they have my brother fill out an application form. I can't reproduce the entire form here (that would take up WAY too much space) so I've decided to make up my own form which shows you the spirit of the original.

DOG APPLICATION

Name: ____________ Date of Birth:____________ Occupation:_______________

Personal References: (provide at least 10; more if you have not known these references for at least 25 years)

Who shares your household: (Check one) Spouse___ Significant Other____ Roommate____ Live in____ 

Unemployed relative____ One armed sociopath____ Republican____

If Republican was checked, please indicate how strong their beliefs are from 1 to 10. (10 being the strongest)

If your present situation were to change, with whom will the dog remain: (Check one) Deadbeat spouse____ Insignificant Other____ Irresponsible Roomate who didn't clean up after himself/herself____ Welfare relative who is waiting for mama to die____ One armed sociopath____ Republican____

What happened to your previous family pets? (Check all that apply) Got out, terrorized the neighborhood and never saw him/her since____ Urinated on new fabric couch and never saw him/her since____ Father gave pork-bone, coughed up a lot of blood and never saw him/her since____ Developed cancer, was lovingly treated with my parent's life-savings and we had him/her freeze-dried____

Why do you want a dog? (Check all that apply) Companion____ Companion for other pet____ Show children the facts of life____ Mouser____ Dog fighting____ Get a hot date____ Be a substitute for a hot date____

Which do you live in? (Check one) House____ Condo____ Apartment marked for demolition____ Cardboard box____

Do you have a gardener, house keeper or pool cleaner? If not, please explain. If yes, please indicate if you are currently in an intimate relationship with him.

If you go on vacation, who will care for your dog? (Check one) House sitter____ Veterinarian____ Kennel____ Teenage son____ Meth lab next door____ Can't afford vacation or possibly even dog food____

Will you keep your dog's vaccinations up to date? (Check all that apply) Yes____ No____

Which of the following would force you to give up your dog? (Check all that apply) Barfs on carpet____ Pees on carpet____ Eats carpet____ Eats small children____ Tries to eat small children____ Humps furniture____ Humps legs of older relatives____ Humps anything that is stationary____ Excessive saliva____ Excessive gas____ Excessive vet bills____ Any vet bills____ Doesn't match home decor____ Destroys home decor____ Barks____ Barks when bored____ Barks at neighbors____ Barks at wealthy frail relatives____ Develops parvo____ Develops Distemper____ Develops Rabies and children are scared of foaming mouth____ Begging at dinner table____ Begging to come indoors____ Begging for attention____ Inappropriate erections____ Appropriate erections____ Suspect dog is stupid____ Suspect dog is insane___ Suspect dog is possessed____ Suspect dog was dropped on head when was a puppy____ Suspect dog should have been eaten by mother when was a puppy____ No longer want a dog____ Never really wanted a dog____ Didn't realize you had to feed dog____ Didn't realize dog would pass stool____ Didn't realize dog would eat stool____ Really wanted a cat ____

Who is your veterinarian? Do you trust him/her? Please explain.

What method do you intend to use to housetrain your dog? (Check all that apply) Crate training____ Begging and pleading____ Electroshock____

Are you willing to allow a representative from our rescue group to inspect your residence? If no, why the hell not? Please explain. (Minimum 3 pages required for explanation)

Have you tried to adopt a dog in the past? If yes, please indicate why you were denied. (Check all that apply) No idea____ No clue____ I have a large horn growing out of my forehead____

I understand that filling out this application does not guarantee the adoption of a pet by our rescue organization.

Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for us to do background and credit checks. If you are an illegal alien, please allow more time.

I agree that all of the above information is honest and true.

Signature

And guess what, my brother was DENIED!

Rejection is part of writing. Hollywood is especially good at giving out rejection. There is a big table but they don't want YOU (or me) to eat at it.

People tell me that I should be thick skinned. I shouldn't worry what other people think. It's only one person's opinion. Believe in myself. Keep a stiff upper lip. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I've always thought that what doesn't kill you leaves you pretty fucked up.

Rejection still hurts. It stings. I'm not a person boiling over in self-confidence so reading a scathing review of my latest screenplay took me down a couple of hard-earned notches.

The only way I deal with rejection is by getting it out in the open. Telling other people about it. Hearing their sad stories in return. It seems to take the bitter taste away. That's why I'm giving you a glimpse of what I had to read recently about my script.

"Premise is flimsy, plot development is awkward and problematic and ending is weak and disappointing."

"The humor is one note and is often more crude than it is funny."

"Jay, on the other hand, is not a particularly likeable or sympathetic character. He is clearly meant to be a “wild and crazy guy” type-character – saying and doing many wild things with an earthy, irreverent attitude. In execution, however, he comes across as being more crude and boorish than wild and crazy. "

"The rest of the characters are all well enough presented, although none of them are particularly well developed and thus come off as little more than “types.”

"What non-gay panic humor the script has -- which consists of some jokes about heterosexual sex and a lot of bodily function humor -- is more crude than it is funny. "

Say what? Bodily function humor isn't funny???

"The dialogue is serviceable, but as most of it serves to deliver the humor mentioned above, it suffers from the same problem in that it tends to be all rather stale and one-note."

"From a commercial point of view, the script is also problematic because, although its premise is different, it covers much of the same ground as the recent I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, which may lessen its appeal to potential buyers."

Being compared to a movie which grossed over $100 million is a BAD thing??

And to top it off, I paid $200 for this priviledge. People have told me that I should never pay to have someone read my script and this was a good lesson to learn.

I would have felt marginally better if someone had hated it for free.

Onward and upward!

No Dali

I had the afternoon free today so I decided to increase my cultural awareness and see the Dali exhibit at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art. (LACMA)

When I got there, they told me it was a MEMBERS ONLY day. It was kinda like showing up at a L.A. club, finding out about the velvet rope and being told I wasn't dressed right. The options were: Go to another museum (Folk Art or the Holocaust??) or sign up for a membership at the cost of $75.

Don't get me wrong. I love Dali. I even own a Dali but $75 is a meal at a good restaurant so I decided to see the next door attraction to the LACMA which is the LA BREA TAR PITS.

This was free but barely worth what I paid for it. There is tar. There is a big pit. Occasionally, it gurgles and belches. And, true to Hollywood, it even has a recreation of mammoths getting trapped in it.

The picture above is a recreation of the mother DYING as the father and their son watch helplessly. That is the description on the plaque. Mother is dying. Being sucked down into black goo for eternity or at least until someone excavates her.

I was worried that all the school children would be traumatized from this visual. But maybe they didn't care.

Children are so desensitized these days.