Thursday, November 12, 2009

Why I hate Artie Lange

I suppose I got what I deserved.

Last week, I ran into a bookstore hoping to pick up an easy read. Something funny. Preferably autobiographical. A best seller would do. My eyes landed on Artie Lange's (relatively) new book, Too Fat to Fish and after flipping through a couple of pages, I knew it was what I wanted. I grabbed the paperback edition and headed for the counter.

Artie Lange is best known for his appearances on Howard Stern. He has made a few movies but as I soon found out, his personality is much better suited to live radio than it is to working long hours on a film set. He is definitely a "shock jock"; he isn't afraid to say what is on his mind and his mind is a rotting cesspool of shit and vomit which you might expect from a regular on the Stern show.

The book starts out in a nostalgic way. He talks about his bizarre meeting as a baby with Frankie Valli, his love of baseball and his happy upbringing. The tone of the book gets obviously darker when he writes about the accident which left his father a quadriplegic and his family's subsequent struggle for survival. He made his way to New York and after three and half years of trying to break into the biz, he landed a sweet role on the new show MADtv. This seemed to be when the real insanity started and he indulged in a lot of booze, coke, heroin, pills ... oh who the hell cares?

The guy is just another dumb asshole.

He was given opportunities in life that thousands of people would kill for and he self destructs. Despite his grand fuckups, people in the entertainment industry looked the other way. Even though he promised Bob Saget and Norm McDonald that he was clean so that he could be in their stupid movie Dirty Work, he tried to score drugs right in front of them even before he had got the coveted part. He still managed to get cast in a starring role despite the fact that he was a loser and a liar. Yep, Hollywood is the only town where you can fail upwards.

This guy has obviously burned a lot of bridges in his career and in some ways he seemed apologetic. He thanked several people (even a coke whore) for saving his life even though he has no value for life. He described in detail his one attempt at suicide and it truly is amazing that he was found before he completed the plan. You would think that Artie would be a lot nicer to people in general after all the help he has received but NOPE, he is 100% certified grade A fuckwad who will be that way till the day he dies.

I think I would hate him more if he were good looking with a smokin' hot wife. Thankfully, God has been merciless in giving him the body of a whale and the face of coked out pedophile. He looks like he stinks and any whore who is willing to sleep with him truly deserves what she gets. Fortunately for him, the Stern show specializes in these type of dumb broads and the smell of celebrity makes them forget about fat, sweat and stupid jokes.

On the back of the book, the cover reads "We don't want to make you feel bad or anything but the author of this book may be dead soon."

We can only hope.

1 comment:

Michael Majewski said...

I realize this post is 3 years old but I had to comment. I laughed my ass off reading it too.

Artie is now on this FM sports talk radio show here in Philly, for some reason, and it dawned on me how much I can't stand the guy. Anyways... I googled "I hate Artie Land" and this link came up in the results.