Thursday, January 20, 2011

Blue Valentine will make your eyes bleed

I know when it's Oscar season because the depressing movies come out which are well respected because of the acting but are secretly hated because they make you feel so shitty when you come out of the theater.

If you don't agree with me, maybe you didn't see The Reader?  Or perhaps Revolution Road?  I did and I'm still bitter.

And for this year's most depressing category we have Blue Valentine.

It's the story of a couple whose marriage is over but the husband still tries to pick up the pieces and recreate a love that existed when they first met.

Yes, it's well acted, certainly well enough to garner Oscar noms if not the Oscars for both Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling.  

But damnit, it's depressing, dreary stuff.  Does anyone really want to watch a crumbling marriage with no hope of recovery?  And it's very sloooooow moving.  At times, it feels like someone has an icepick that is slowly being pressed into your skull.

Overall, it won't get a recommendation from me.  There are much better examples of dysfunctional flat-lining relationship dramas such as Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Leaving Las Vegas, two of my favorite movies of all time.

But just because I didn't enjoy it, doesn't mean that I can't have some fun with it.

So here are my recommended taglines for Blue Valentine.  I should get paid for this stuff.

If you've ever wanted to see extreme closeups of Ryan Gosling's nose, then watch this!

We show gratuitous titties!

The rip-your-eyeballs-out-of-your-face-because-this-is-so-depressing movie of the year!

Blue Valentine:  the movie where wide-angles are a crime!

A movie that proves that if you marry a loser, he will always be a loser!

Binge drinking can't cure this marriage!

Stay for the end credits because they're better than the movie!

If your love song sounds like a dying chipmunk, then your relationship probably is in trouble!

Drink beer all day and smoke like a chimney and you'll still have a sixpack!

And finally ...

Life sucks!

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1 comment:

evadahl said...

I will have to pay you for your comments via your Savong fund. Thanks for sharing and always making me crack up!