Slimmin' with Simmons!

You can do some crazy things in L.A. right?

Riiiiiiiight!

My coworker found out that Richard Simmons hosts an aerobic class in Beverly Hills. This shit was just too whacked to pass up so, against our better judgement, a few of us decided to attend.

This is how we looked like while we were still in our clinic parking lot.

Uh, huh. Read on. It only gets worse.

We had no idea what to expect. At least, I didn't. I have never attended an aerobics class before (okay, maybe one, but I was in a pool in Cancun and I was drunk) but I'm in pretty decent shape and somewhat coordinated so I figured I wouldn't look completely foolish.

It took us about 25 minutes to get down to his studio on a Thursday night. Mr. Simmons arrived soon after and gave us all hugs and welcomed us to his workout. He looked exactly like he has looked for as long as I can remember. Crazy hair, bright tank-top with crystals, short shorts and enough energy to fuel ten gay parades. The guy does not age. Kinda like Cher.

The class started on time and this was no mamby-pamby workout. He wanted those kicks high and the arms strong. If you weren't workin' it, he would give you an icy glare or yell like a drill instructor on speed. After twenty minutes, I was starting to wonder how long this damn thing was going to last. I found out later that the class is an hour and a half long! At the very least, that was WAY too much 90s music at full volume.

Towards the end, our instructor mellowed out a little. We used free weights. We did some pelvic thrusts. He counselled us on how to reach our goals and to think before we eat. He told us a short and somewhat sad story about how he was flooded with autograph and picture requests at the last restaurant he went to. This made me feel a little guilty because I had brought my camera with me. I guess that's your life if your R. Simmons.

At the end of the class, I was the brave one who went up to him and requested photos. He said yes without hesitation and we all got a group photo and individual photos with him.

Here is our group photo.

I also have my individual photo. But I have to warn you. It is TERRIFYING. It should be censored. I fear that people who view it may go blind.

So I'm telling you now. It's okay to skip past this picture.

I can't decide whether to post it. I am getting cold feet. I don't have a lot of shame but in the interest of public safety, I do have some reservations about showing it to the world.

Oh, who cares. I gave you enough warning, right?

Here it is.

As we were leaving, Richard told us that he loved us and we promised we would be back for more ass kicking. We returned to our homes in the valley, exhausted but (strangely) exhilarated. Maybe I'm just speaking for myself but I think everyone enjoyed themselves.

Thanks Richard. Keep on fighting the good fight against fat and flab!