Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Watchmen: Nudity and Nihilism

I try to go out to see a movie at least once a week. I probably would go out more often but it’s nearly $13 a pop and like most people, I like the idea of saving money by working the Netflix queue.

But last night I was excited because I had some time off to see Watchmen. It’s a big special effects pic that boasted a pretty cool trailer and some good reviews. It is based on a comic book series created by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons between 1986 and 1987. I wasn’t aware of the comic book series but I figured that the movie would give me everything I needed to know about the backstory.

I sat down in my comfy $12.50 seat. The trailers were pretty good. The Hangover is coming soon. I read the script a couple of months ago and loved it. Can’t wait.

And then IT started.

Fifteen minutes into Watchmen, I wanted to leave. The tone was dark (in the Batman Gotham City style) but there were no sympathetic characters, the plot was confusing, the acting was painful (Malin Akerman should get an automatic Razzie for this one) and there were long stretches of overwritten dialogue and voice-overs which were completely pointless.

And to top it off, a naked blue guy was walking around. And when I say naked, I mean NAKED. Apparently when Dr. Osterman got locked inside some sort of whooziwatsits radiation contraption, he was blown apart and then (lucky him!) he was somehow able to recreate himself. I suppose when you have those sort of powers, you are not going to reform yourself into an overweight ugly old man. Yep, he did what most guys would do; he made himself into a well-endowed muscle hunk that glows blue and has no sense of shame.

Why was this guy walking around naked? Shouldn't there have been a law against that??? Ethereal blue beings must wear at least a codpiece when they are talking to other people. Something like that.

Nobody even mentioned his nudity. I expected someone to at least say, “Dude, we know you’re well hung and you’re proud of your meat but for the love of decency, there might be children walking around!”

I feel sorry for all the teenage boys who went home and sadly compared themselves to that glowing 12 inch dong. As you might have guessed, that piece of anatomy was a little distracting.

The other disturbing aspect of this film was the misogyny. I am usually very tolerant of graphic images but did this film really need to show a pregnant lady getting shot in cold blood and a very violent rape scene? It’s a good thing I wasn’t eating popcorn. I might have upchucked the whole bucket.

Half way through the movie, I was red-faced angry and wondered if it was still possible to get my money back.

Against my better judgment, I stayed. Part of me wanted to see how bad it could get and part of me hoped that the conclusion might at least have some decent special effects. As it turned out, it got even worse and the conclusion had a let’s-destroy-New York City blast that seemed very familiar thanks to other nihilistic movies.

What a train wreck. Or a hot mess, as my coworker likes to put it.

Some movies should have a warning.


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